Today is a new day

I have TONS of work to do when I get back to the office after three days off (five, counting the weekend, of course). I will not be thinking of food, blogging, checking email; I will be doing nothing but working and being a good girl all day long!

It is SO hard to be good, but will try to remember the consequences if I'm not.

FOOD! Arghhhhhhhhh!

I broke down. I suck. I caved to temptation, ate dessert at my brother's house yesterday AND a handful of nuts at my mom's. I was pretty good today, but did have some snacks that were set out prior to dinner.

I hate these freaking parties with all the food! I have NO PROBLEM seeing booze and watching other people drink. It's the chocolate brownies, the carrot cake, the cheese cake, the boxes of chocolate. I am so weak! I need more of a strategy beyond hiding in a closet in a bedroom upstairs.

I took long walks over the last couple of days. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I'll schedule a time on the treadmill.

Oh, yes, Paul gave me 10 with the liquid cane for breaking the diet. Five over jeans, five on the bare bottom. Yow!

Shopping and stress

I haven't written much about this on this site, but shopping, even non-Christmas-time shopping, stresses me out almost more than any other activity. It's a combination of my aversion to crowds; my annoyance of rude, selfish people; the pressures of trying to find the best bargains; and feeling down that I don't have more money. All of this is multiplied at Christmas. Yes, you can shop on line and avoid all of this (if you plan, which I seldom do). But then you always have to pay shipping costs, except at a few places like Amazon.

So, inevitably, I find myself faced with going shopping at the busiest time of the year. Macy's was open round the clock at a bunch of New York locations. Our closest Macy's in Douglaston was only open till midnight. At 10 p.m. P. and I decided to go out to pick up some things, some last minute gifts. I was exhausted and did not want to go out. My strategy is simply to talk myself into accepting as much as possible. If there is rudeness, let it go; if there are long lines, pick up a magazine; if there are bratty, demanding children running through the store, thank God you don't have your own...

Inevitably, it's better than you imagine. We found what we needed at Macy's (I did need to get something else, but that "something else" was an unknown and I was too tired to go browsing right then). There was a Modell's next door that was also open till Midnight. P.'s mom had asked for warm sweat shirt and sweatpants to wear around the house. We found them there, so it was a succesful trip. Made a brief foray through the sporting equipment, looked at an aisle-end display of ping-pong paddles. P. declared them "too flimsy" for my butt, and too loud to use in our apartment, so we moved on. Oh well.

At Macy's, as you may know, they have some partnership with Godiva chocolates so that no matter what department you're in there are chocolate bars for sale at the register. I'm a sucker for dark chocolate... and the stress of shopping made that chocolate so, so tempting. But it was late, I knew how much I would regret giving in, and I knew the momentary indulgence wouldn't be worth it.

Today we went to Barnes and Noble (we go every Sunday morning for coffee) and I finished my shopping. Thank god!

Temptations

Last two weeks at work there's been a steady stream of food gifts popping up in the office. These pics were just from ONE DAY last week. After that, a box of chocolate mints appeared. Then a huge tin holding three flavors of popcorn. Then another huge box of chocolates. And another tin of popcorn. Plus an enormous bag of mixed nuts. It seemed endless.

For whatever reason (normally I succumb to the call of the chocolate) I behaved, and so far, so good -- I'm sticking to my diet agreement. I THINK my jeans are a tiny bit looser, so I'm happy. I won't be weighing myself at least until one month is up. At that point, I'll either keep going, or make minor adjustments.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'll make it. I have this crazy idea that I CAN right now (which I hadn't had for a long time), so I have to roll with it and then try to keep rolling with it when it gets tougher down the road.

First day of winter blahhhhhh

I am being SO lazy today, although I've got a few more Christmas presents to buy, laundry to do, grocery shopping to do, etc. I'm sitting at computer looking at ... nothing. Fooling around. Working with pictures, practicing new Paint.net techniques, which is all well and good, but I need to go DO SOMETHING!

What I WANT to do is get trussed up or truss someone else up. We have the equipment, will someone bite soon? I know the Velcro doesn't look like much, but it really IS enough for holding someone during a scene. Hogtie, anyone? The leather harness, on the other hand, is VERY strong. And leaves your victim vulnerable for punishment.

The infamous Ikea dresser

We got the dresser assembled last week. Hallelujah! And P. helped. After all that time, I wasn't sure I wanted help. On Sunday afternoon I had a block of time available and I said, "I'm going into the bedroom and putting the dresser together!" He was on the computer, but said, "OK. What do I need to do to help?" I was annoyed that he hadn't volunteered earlier to help. It was sitting on our bedroom floor for ages. But, two things -- 1), I should have ASKED for help, and 2) I COULD have done it myself, but didn't. So I was annoyed and was bitchy about him jumping in just because I'd finally decided to get it done, but I was feeling so overwhelmed with all the parts that I was glad afterwall that he'd jumped in.

I eventually apologized for my bitchiness. And when we were done he made me kneel on the floor and lean over the edge of the bed. Then he gave me a good hairbrushing for my rudeness. (I love when he takes charge like that -- and it HURT!).

By the way, I spoke with a male friend at one of my meetings and he identified completely with P. He said men don't like to do anything and rarely will volunteer. I said, "So why did my husband offer to help me when I was heading to the bedroom?" My friend says, "Because if he hadn't, he would have felt guilty!" Oh -- is that true?

tacky stuff

Tacky NY Post headline of the week, after Ike Turner's passing on Dec. 12: Ike "Beats" Tina to Death. All I can say is "Wow. Tacky on SO many levels."
http://www.nypost.com/seven/12132007/news/nationalnews/ike_beats_tina_to_death_79527.htm

Stupidest interview question of the week (woman rescued after being pushed onto Subway tracks):
"What is that made you decide you weren't going to die at that moment?" http://www.xomba.com/watch_woman_interviewed_rescued_from_subway_tracks

It's time!!

My snacking was starting to get out of control, and my jeans are now a little tight. Yeah, it's time — I feel ready, I feel ABLE, I feel willing (finally) — to do the work needed to lose weight. I've asked P. to help, which means he has agreed to punish me for breaking the rules. I know, what a guy! Now I'm in the process of putting together the exact rules. I can't take this lightly because it has to be a regime that will work, but it also has to be one that I can live with, with goals I can accomplish.

At our company Christmas party yesterday, I did not overeat, as far as lunch goes. But when it came time for dessert I ate a small ramekin of creme brulee along with my serving of fruit. So last night, I confessed this to P. Because we had not agreed to the exact guidelines yet, he asked me if I felt I should be punished. Was it "fair" to hold me to a rule not yet in place? I thought about that, and I said, "Yes." I did not want to snack, I'd said I would avoid snacking, and giving in to the temptation of dessert was, I believe, a violation of that. I avoided the cheesecake, dessert crepes, chocolate-mousse-filled chocolate cups, and other items that were probably worse than the creme brulee, BUT I still gave in and had dessert.

So he punished me. He used the liquid cane and gave me five strokes for the one violation. The liquid cane is a good tool for this purpose because it's nasty and hard to take; but, unlike a paddle, I'm not afraid I'm getting permanent damage. Psychologically, a thick wooden paddle would be the best deterrent because that's something I really fear. Perhaps if we do go and decide on the paddle as the implement P. can agree to pace the strokes. (Of course I'm going to be so good that I won't get ANY!)

There is always the argument that, for someone who craves and gets excited by the idea of punishment (and pain), this would not be a deterrent. I don't really believe that. What happened when I did this with my former "trainer" a few years ago was that I took it as a challenge. I felt really motivated to do well, so the times when I fell short, I felt bad. My trainer's punishment, I believe, gave me CLOSURE on my infraction — rather than beating myself up and thereby setting myself up for more failure, I took my paddling and we moved on. In addition, I had set up fairly strict rules for myself and, overall, I was doing well with them. So, only earning two or three infractions in a week wasn't so bad. Ultimately, his attention became, in a bizarre way, praise for what I WAS doing well. Plus, I simply got attention, which helped my self-esteem and gave me additional motivation to keep going. I ended up losing about twenty pounds.

But, that was a few years ago and now the weight has crept back up (I hope not all the way!) So, for me, a huge pain slut, yes, this system worked. It basically only worked, however, because I was motivated to begin with.

Paperback swap mania

P. and I recently joined www.paperbackswap.com, and we're both going a little book crazy. I have to admit I like the books I've gotten so far. I wanted to get rid of books that I've already read, or seriously doubt I will read, at least any time soon. The books we don't think anyone will request, we're packing up and taking to a local used book store or just Goodwill or Salvation Army. The only drawback is you have to agree to send books to others in order to get credits to order books, so there's been a lot of trips to the post office.

The site, I guess like most such sites, tries to be a little community. People message back and forth, you can chat if you like, and members try to give each other deals on books (I just ordered a book I wanted from a lady who was offering a free, unused journal as part of the package. When I found out it was a "Precious Moments" journal I wanted to back out, but how can one do that politely? LOL).

I ordered the first eight of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. I had read at least the first two, wasn't sure about the third, so I figured I'd start over from the beginning. These are "detective" novels where the protagonist is a Jersey girl who is a bounty hunter in Trenton. Light, fun, quick reads. Gotta love it.

But right now I'm reading "Lizard," by Banana Yoshimota, a Japanese writer that I discovered last year (books are translated into English, naturally). She's incredible. Writes very sparsely yet manages to create such a unique mood, such different characters. "Lizard" (http://www.amazon.com/Lizard-Banana-Yoshimoto/dp/0671532766) is a collection of six short stories, and they read quickly, so I'll likely be finished the book by the end of the day.

One thing I am using Paperbackswap.com for is to read members' reviews of books and get recommendations on authors I haven't tried yet. Any such recommendations are always welcome.

binge cleaning

Before

After

The condition of our co-op is much, much better today. I got up and did laundry at 7, and have been working most of the day on putting stuff away or getting ready to give it away.

I also repainted the kitchen cabinets, because we agreed that the blue was not working.

Before

After

And this is a little rack I put up above the stove to hold cooking implements.

I feel much better now. I was really down and disgusted about it yesterday, and when I got up and looked at what needed to be done I was only going to sort the three bins of kitchen ware. But that didn't take that long, so I kept going.

I am exhausted, and my back hurts a little from moving bins into the bedroom. But I'm happy with my progress.

A cry for help

The homey, welcoming, down-to-earth look


The living room corner


The couch in need of new cushions
(foam waiting in bedroom)

my craft/sewing table

Three bins full of kitchen stuff to sort

Last but not least, the infamous Ikea dresser, in pieces.


Are you there, God? Please send help.

I have a dream...

Yes, I've probably lost it, posting pictures of plates on my blog, but the plates, the cabinets, the kitchen, the apartment, have been eating at me for months. "Where are we going to put everything?" That's the main question. "Can we make it look nice?" is secondary to the space issue, BUT in trying to resolve the space issue, I don't want to make things look BAD in the process.

I'm starting to conclude that we'll simply have to move a lot of items into the bedroom and work on making the living room look neater and nicer. We don't spend much time in the bedroom; we are usually in the living room either doing stuff on the computer, working on a craft, watching TV or reading.

So, as the year begins to wind down maybe that will be my before-year-end goal -- to clear out the remaining clutter from the living room corner and rearrange the furniture.

Bins currently holding kitchen items will be emptied, probably, within the next few days. Those bins will then be filled with living room junk that we can't throw out yet.

I have a dream of an apartment that looks like one you may see on TV or in a magazine. I probably won't get that apartment. But there are things I can do (and am doing) to make it nicer. P. will thank me when I start nagging him to clear off the dining room table.

Progress

This doesn't break any records, I'm sure, but I believe it does qualify as excessive packaging. This is how my new cell phone battery from Verizon Wireless arrived the other day.

These pictures are of our wedding gift plates and glasses, finally up in the cabinets where they belong, instead of in the boxes they've been in for the last 11 months. Progress. We're making progress. I really like the new plates.

Happy Kitty Love to all!

Today will be a good day.

"Upon awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. . . . Here we ask . . . that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems." -- Alcoholics Anonymous

I'm done laundry. I'm about to shut down the computer, take a shower, and get on the bus. I've got my i-Pod, my book (which we've already established as a good distraction) and paperwork to do, if I feel so inclined.

I promise to not get too upset. I promise to not let noise or other people make me angry today, EVEN if people are being dicks. Let me let them be dicks and go on my merry way! I will also try to smile a lot more.

New toys! Yay!

Does this cat look evil to you? P. says he does. I think that's just crazy. Look at those adoring eyes....

My friend Jean-Paul of Shadow Lane fame just sent me a flogger that he'd made himself. Isn't it pretty? P. tried it out on me last night and it was quiet stingy, both on my back and butt. But he was also able to make it nice, with a bit of thuddiness.
Thanks, Jean-Paul; can't wait to use it on YOU next!

speaking of pseudo-intellectual book lovers...

I've got my nose in a book this morning on the 1 train; it's a slightly older book that I never got around to reading until now and I can hardly put it down. It's called "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers, and is about a 21-year-old whose parents die within five months of each other, and he has to raise his little brother. Unbelievably good. I'm behind everyone else in discovering this, of course...

I'm about half-way through, on a very exciting and funny scene. I notice we are at 96th street, people get on, and I resume reading. Three stops to go. The train continues through the tunnel. I am completely lost in the story. We go by 103rd, 110th, and, apparently, 116th, my normal stop.

None of this becomes obvious until I notice the train has suddenly gotten much brighter. I look up and there's sunlight through the windows -- we're now above ground on the elevated track, pulling into 125th. I'm disoriented and can't even manage to collect my senses and get up and off the train. 125th is still an easy walk to my office, a block or two further than 116th.

Instead, I keep going to the next stop, 137th, which is too far to walk, well, at least not QUICKLY. It was already 9 a.m. Not only that, but there's no transfer point there -- I had to exit, go upstairs, cross Broadway, enter the downtown side, and head back. I got off at 125th afterall because I just wanted to get off the train at that point.

Dork. Well, at least I wasn't walking and reading. Smack me if you ever see me doing that.

Don't worry

I have my moments, but I'm not turning into ranting subway lady just yet. Today I get on the 1 train south, which is not crowded, and thankfully I get a seat on the end with no one touching me. I am trying not to look at anyone directly, but across from me, slightly to the right, is this pair of skinny legs moving and stomping. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Oh, no, someone's "dancing" along to her i-Pod, I think. I mutter out loud the first phrase that comes to me, "Oh, no, we don't need this."

Well, turns out the girl didn't have her i-Pod on, she was just being randomly obnoxious, and she must have heard me because she stopped. She and her two young twitty friends continued to talk loudly across the train to each other, but at least no more stomping. At 96th THEY didn't move, so I did -- got off and hopped on the express to 42nd. A lot of people get off at 96th to catch the 2 or 3, but I like staying on the 1 local because once it clears out it's so nice, and the express at that time of day tends to be crowded. As it was, I did have to stand in the middle of the car, but no one was touching me, I had a pole to grip, and when the evening's performance started (a VERY bad, thankfully not-too-loud singer), I pulled out my i-Pod and blasted my own music.

A good commute, although, between trains to Astoria and the traffic home, we tend to get in very late. It's 8 p.m. already and P. is just cooking dinner now.

And another thing...

If you think you've mastered walking and texting at the same time -- you haven't. You're blocking everyone else, because you don't think you have to wait or move out of the way. Did you realize you were walking around a very busy city, it's morning, and people are trying to get to work?

OK, this also goes for you pseudo-intellectual book lovers who can't take your noses out of your books for two minutes while exiting subway.

And again, for cell phone users who can't wait outside a train station to make a call, but have to block half the stairway by making the call after they come down into the station. What is WRONG with you?

I have again spoken.

People. Please. Shut up. I'm VERY CRANKY!

Okay, I'm trapped on the freakin' little bus, not enough room on the seats, everyone's squished together, there's no overhead rack for our bags or coats so there's even less room, the damn Treee Lighting Ceremony is going on at Rockefellor Center so crazy tourists are swarming all over the place and the bus is dragging through traffic.

It's like, an hour-and-a-half ride from midtown to Oakland Gardens, Queens.

Do I HAVE to sit there on top of everything else and listen to your long, loud cell phone conversations? Two days in a row. Cell phones with ringers turned up, people yakking in three seats around me, no one gives a F*** how annoying and irritating that is when most of the bus is quiet (it's not so bad on a normal, regular in-city route where it's already noisy and people are coming and going).

The one day, I was sitting there ready to start screaming. I wanted to read my book. Yes, I had my i-Pod, and was ready to turn it on as a last resort, but to drown out these ignoramuses i would have had to turn it up very loud, it may have given me a headache and I wouldn't have been able to read.

I'm not a complete cell phone nazi. I don't care if you have to make a call on the bus, really. But speak softly, and don't go on and on and on for half an hour, 45 minutes gossipping and talking about sex. For god's sake don't start a sales pitch. I BEG YOU, don't start a sales pitch.

I wonder if I can start some kind of movement. Yes, I realize I'm coming across as Ms. Cranky tonight, but the commute is hellish enough without this. When I feel like I'm sharing the pain with my fellow commuters it's not so bad. When I want to get up and throttle them, it's not so nice.

I have spoken.

One screwed-up Google search

Well, today I am cooking "Rutabaga Casserole" for my brother's Thanksgiving dinner later, and the recipe I cut and pasted yesterday (yeah, when I was supposed to be working) had a typo.

I did a Google search for "Rutabago Casserole" plus "Saltines" because that was one of the ingredients. The THIRD choice that popped up was a white supremicist web site.

Ewwwwwww. In between hanging nooses and burning crosses, it seems they are downright homey and exchange recipes with each other. NOT what I was looking for, thank you very much. I won't post the web site here; I don't need to perpetuate hatred. But if you do the search exactly like I said above, you'll see what I mean.

Here's the recipe I am making: Rutabaga Casserole

Enjoy!

We just want to be loved

Is that so WRONG?

Deliciously sore this morning

We had an audience at paddles last night, and P. took advantage and gave it to me really, really hard. God, it felt good. The usual needy men were lurking about. I can't deal with most of them. Last night, I really didn't want to. Maybe I am judgmental and shallow. But it's so hard to play with someone who turns you off. If a guy wants to be spanked, does he have to be pathetic about it? There are a few who aren't, and I like playing with them.

But, enough about them. I had a good time. P. strapped me for a long time. THEN used the nasty rat tail. THEN paddled me -- hard -- with a wooden paddle. I was yelling out loud when he used that. Mercifully, he only gave me 20 strokes. Then he "just" used his hand to finish me off. Wow.

Perfect end to the day

I came home after my meeting and at 9:30 p.m. there was a parking spot right across the street from the building. Oh, Joy! Could life get any better? It's cold; I was so glad I didn't have to walk all the way from 73rd Avenue. At the meeting we read and discussed the 6th Step. Character defects. Are you ready to have them removed? Ha! I have so many.

P. and I watched last week's episode of The Office, which we'd missed. And had popcorn.

Now, bedtime; back to work tomorrow. It's going to be very busy...

Beautiful, busy day off

I have to admit I have a hard time relaxing. It's something I need to work on -- but in the meantime, there are things to be done. Today I took a personal day, with the idea that I would use it to go over to Social Security office and the Department of Motor Vehicles to officially change my name (in case anyone doesn't know, P. and I got married last December, and till today I hadn't legalized my name change).

Drive to Jamaica, which I am not familiar with. It is a busy area, and I had forgotten quarters for the meter so I drove till I found a free parking place a distance away from Social Security but reasonably close to Motor Vehicles. Social Security was annoying. A long line to wait on, a Chinese girl standing behind me too closely, repeatedly bumping into me as a result. Glares and constant shifting did not get through to her, apparently. I know it's a cultural thing somehow. I need more space to feel comfortable; perhaps she simply needs LESS to feel comfortable.

When my turn came, the employee was less than helpful. Downright surly. Stared at my marriage license, then checked computer screen, then stared at license, then checked screen again, all the while saying nothing to me. I was feeling really uncomfortable, waiting for some bad news that I didn't have "proper" documentation. (What that could have been, I have no idea). Finally he shoved a paper at me through the window opening to sign. I signed it and he didn't say anything else. "Is that it, then?" A surly nod. Okay, then, have a good day. I get new card in about two weeks. He lectured me that I must have our last name on mailbox. OK. Whole visit took, I guess, around 45-50 minutes.

At the NY Department of Motor Vehicles I had a completely opposite experience. All three people I had to deal with were friendly: The information desk lady, the photo lady, and the payment dude. I was second in line to information, she took my form and told me to step around to the photo area. I stepped around, expecting to wait half an hour like in Jersey. No. They took my picture right away, and the lady let me look at the screen to make sure I liked it. Then they said to wait in the other area for my number to be called. I had a seat, again expecting a half-hour wait, but then I looked up at the screen and my number was already up there. I walked over to the window, signed something, gave him my check, and that was it. New license in two weeks. Total amount of time: less than 10 minutes. Unbelievable. I'm very excited about my new name finally being official, by the way!

Between SS and DMV I walked down Jamaica Boulevard. There are tons of discount stores there, and I walked into a fabric shop to check out their prices. While I was browsing I noticed they sold foam rubber. This is one of my many projects to finish -- fixing the couch, which my cats have destroyed, for Paul. I was going to order foam from a Manhattan place, but this was cheaper, and I got more for the price. The guy cut it for me using an electric knife, the kind you carve a turkey with. I bought some muslin to cover it, and I'll pick out upholstery fabric later. (I'll have to bring in a swatch of the old cover to match the color).

Then I had to walk about seven blocks back to the car with this load -- but it was worth it.

After DMV, I went home, did laundry,

then decided to put up the bike hangers that I bought ages ago. The bike needed to be put out of the way.

While I had the drill out, I also put up the first of several closet hangers I'm installing to hold our toys. There wasn't time for anything else, I had to go pick P. up then. We had pork chops and I made "zucchini boats" as a side dish.

Yes, I'm insane. Too much for one day. And I still have my aa meeting later.

Curtains are hung! Valence is done!

I bought curtain rods last week, and took the plunge and put them up yesterday. Took a special drill bit to get through the wall, I think we are right up against a hardwood stud. I had some fabric I'd purchased a while ago, so I made valences for the top (it was a double curtain rod; one in front of the other).

Here is the result. Having never done this before, I think it came out pretty nicely.

I THOUGHT I would have pictures to post today of our newly repainted kitchen cabinets, but we are not done. The color looks nice, but we have some fixing to do on the second coat. Sigh.

I am so tired. Yesterday I also installed an under-counter garbage holder, but this meant sawing off part of the center support so that it would fit. It's not pretty, but it's hidden and looks better than what we were doing, which was hanging a bag over the handle of the stove.

I'm also tired because we went to Paddles last night. I got to play with B., a very hard male bottom, and I really loved whipping him with his own leather belt.

Paul got me good, as well, with hand, belt, strap and nasty rattail. !!!!

Bright and shiny

The walls are done. Hooray! And we got done early enough to put up our lovely new baker's rack.

This week, I finish painting the cabinet trim and we will paint the cabinet doors in P.'s Mom's garage (I think the cats will get in the way here).

I also hope to put together my new Ikea dresser. It's been sitting here for two weeks, but it's finally out of the box and I've looked at instructions. Should be fine. I also need to hang the living room curtains. I finally bought the curtain rods. Meanwhile, P. continues to work on dismantling his monstrosity of an entertainment center. I have ideas for living room layout. One step at a time...

Maybe this week, also, I'll do something artsy. It's been too long. I recently bought two cheap matching square coffee tables at a flea market, and I'm going to mosaic the tops.

And then I'll relax. Hah!

Historical moment

My husband, caught on film doing actual work!

(he's going to kill me!)

Progress, not perfection

Yay! The first coat of yellow paint is done. It is a wee bit streaky, but we're hoping to correct that in second coat, which will take place in about one hour. I woke up very sore this morning but feel fine now.

After second coat, we will finally be able to put up the new baker's rack -- that i bought MONTHS ago! And we can also start putting wedding gifts away. Ahem. Hope nobody who sent me gifts is reading this and now realizing that I've used hardly anything yet...

Here's a gratuitous new picture of the kitties.

Prime-l scream

I'm exhausted, but we finally got to the painting stage in the kitchen. I haven't written much about this, because it's embarrassing, but I've been wanting to paint the kitchen for months and putting it off for one reason or another. Last month or so I was getting it into my head that I should just call a professional, but we don't know if we can afford that right now, I've already got the paint here, and it shouldn't be rocket science.

But, one must admit that prepping walls can be grueling. I've been finishing up the prep all week. This morning there was still cleaning and sanding to finish up, then I gave it one last wipe down and got the primer out. P. helped, and we finished everything but the front bottom cabinets -- we had overlooked them. But everything else is primed, including the ceiling, and we're ready to put color on tomorrow.

Exciting! I hope I can move tomorrow. I have a feeling I overdid this job, I am sore in many places.

bad girl

The bad girl and I had a spat, but we've made up. She feared I didn't want to top her anymore. I feared I wasn't and wouldn't be in the right head space. We talked for a long time about it this afternoon.

I don't know WHY it's sometimes hard to get into the head space. But I do know I'm thinking too much, because I know how to top and I know why she needs it and I even know, most of the time, what to say. I think I am good at it (and she says I am good at it, so there shouldn't be any problem). If I'm sometimes doing it because she gets what she needs out of it, is there anything wrong with that?

There is a pleasure from pleasing someone, and there is a pleasure from knowing someone is really into what you are doing, but the best times are when my top side completely kicks in and I take over. Then I like the power rush. If I could feel this way ALL the time it would be better, but I'm not completely there yet. Why? Is it because I see her as my equal, in fact, kind of tough, and I think I have a lot of nerve ordering her around? It's strange that I don't have this problem with the bratty male subs I see at the club. I could beat the crap out of any of them. I must not respect them as much. Hard to say.

She is not a submissive, I don't think, except that she needs to submit to pain. She's a little like me in that aspect, in fact. To be honest, I think I still sometimes fear getting criticized. If I'm topping, I'm the active one. I'm the one who has to think, be creative, come up with what i think she needs to do or what she needs to accept, as far as discipline. She just has to take it, or decide whether she accepts the consequences when she isn't obedient. If I make a mistake, also, I COULD hurt someone. I don't THINK that would happen at the level we play, but you never know.

I sat on the couch and talked to her on the phone while my two kitties came and cuddled with me. I don't relax and just put my feet up enough. It felt nice. I gave the bad girl a little lecture near the end of our phone conversation. I gave her a hint as to what she could expect next time I saw her. I could hear her breathing on the other end, and her voice got softer and she sounded nervous. I liked hearing that. I can't wait to do it in real life....

Waiting for Bruce

Despite much hassle and waiting, we did NOT get in to see Bruce last night at Madison Square Garden. My brother and sister came up from S. Jersey. The extra ticket line cut off right after my brother; my sister was behind and they cut off extra seats right before her. I told them to go in and enjoy the show; I saved $200 it would have cost me and P. Since they had driven all the way from S Jersey and stood in line the longest, it seemed only fair. Plus, I've seen Bruce a LOT more times than my sister. He is playing again tonight, but I don't think I'll try for tickets. Maybe we'll go to DC or Albany.

The MTA tells the truth?

10/16/07, 8:50 a.m. waiting for 1 train at 96th street platform, which is packed.

"Step back, step back!" conductor cries. "If you can't fit on this train there's another one right behind this one!" Hm. Truth or dare?

What does "right behind" mean today? People are stuffing in like sardines. I don't really want to squeeze in, and I'm probably still going to be on time, or, at the very least, just a few minutes late, if I wait for the next train. I step back and stand on the platform, acting cool and nonchalant. In reality, as soon as the packed 1 train pulls out, I'm staring down the tunnel waiting for the glow of headlights.

Incredible! There are lights approaching! Not more than 30 seconds later, the next 1 train pulls into the station, with plenty of seats. "They're actually telling the truth today?" I say to a guy next to me on the platform. "Amazing!" He smiles back and we both get on the train.

crazy buster

this cat thinks he's still a kitten -- he's 15!

Things that make me happy

I was a bit down this week, but on Thursday P. surprised me by sending me flowers at work. There was no special occasion, which makes it even better!

Then on Friday afternoon, I was switching from the 1 to the R trains and saw my favorite street performer set up in the station. He plays the organ while battery-operated dolls dance and move all around him. It always makes me smile.

Later, on my way to meet P. after work, I saw this creepy Halloween decoration in the party store on Steinway Street in Astoria. I took a picture with my phone. When I approached the Starbucks where I was meeting P., I opened the picture on the phone. He was sitting in a window seat, so I showed him the pic through the window. When I went inside he said, "What the FUCK is THAT?"

I also took a little cell phone movie of Buster and Rocky.

Equal time for Booger Face

I haven't posted a picture of my other (equally insane) cat in a while. Here he is. I knew everyone was dying to see another cat picture. I can't help it if mine are the cutest ever.

That time of year

An interesting lawn decoration I found in my neighborhood earlier today.

Look what my big fat kitty did today!

Uh-- that would be NOTHING. As usual.