bad girl

The bad girl and I had a spat, but we've made up. She feared I didn't want to top her anymore. I feared I wasn't and wouldn't be in the right head space. We talked for a long time about it this afternoon.

I don't know WHY it's sometimes hard to get into the head space. But I do know I'm thinking too much, because I know how to top and I know why she needs it and I even know, most of the time, what to say. I think I am good at it (and she says I am good at it, so there shouldn't be any problem). If I'm sometimes doing it because she gets what she needs out of it, is there anything wrong with that?

There is a pleasure from pleasing someone, and there is a pleasure from knowing someone is really into what you are doing, but the best times are when my top side completely kicks in and I take over. Then I like the power rush. If I could feel this way ALL the time it would be better, but I'm not completely there yet. Why? Is it because I see her as my equal, in fact, kind of tough, and I think I have a lot of nerve ordering her around? It's strange that I don't have this problem with the bratty male subs I see at the club. I could beat the crap out of any of them. I must not respect them as much. Hard to say.

She is not a submissive, I don't think, except that she needs to submit to pain. She's a little like me in that aspect, in fact. To be honest, I think I still sometimes fear getting criticized. If I'm topping, I'm the active one. I'm the one who has to think, be creative, come up with what i think she needs to do or what she needs to accept, as far as discipline. She just has to take it, or decide whether she accepts the consequences when she isn't obedient. If I make a mistake, also, I COULD hurt someone. I don't THINK that would happen at the level we play, but you never know.

I sat on the couch and talked to her on the phone while my two kitties came and cuddled with me. I don't relax and just put my feet up enough. It felt nice. I gave the bad girl a little lecture near the end of our phone conversation. I gave her a hint as to what she could expect next time I saw her. I could hear her breathing on the other end, and her voice got softer and she sounded nervous. I liked hearing that. I can't wait to do it in real life....