The center of things

He says he needs to be the center of the universe. He is the center of HIS universe; do I have to make him the center of mine? Do I have to work extra hard at making him feel special?

I work at my own self-improvement. Some days I do better than others. I don't often lash out in rage. But that's never been my style. I spent years pushing it down inside myself, and that's still an occasional habit. I'm not a self-mutilator, anorexic/bulemic, or drug addict, but I could easily be. I've toyed with all of these over the years. I did my time with abusing alcohol and sexual acting out, to bury my feelings, especially the feelings of self-hatred.

I can't drink anymore, and I don't sleep around anymore, but the pressure is still there sometimes to do things to please others -- so they won't leave, so they won't get mad at me, so they won't hate me. I felt hated in school. Not only shunned, but sought out and abused by some. Followed home and taunted on a daily basis. I was the fat, ugly, introverted kid. My home life wasn't much more pleasant. Lots of chaos there, physical and verbal abuse...

That is my past. It helped make me who I am today, good and bad. The bad part is I still people-please too much. The good part is I can be empathetic. I sometimes am TOO empathetic when I need to be tough, and occasionally I go too far the other way -- "Get over it, already!" -- and that's not quite right, either.

All I know is that it is not my NATURAL state of affairs to be considered sexy, to be looked at as desirable. I love it, oh, God, I love it, but I can't get used to it. It will end, it is a costume, and I have to take that costume off at the end of the day when I'm left with myself.

I mourn my innocence sometimes, when I was younger and more nervous and scared and a little guilty about asking someone to dominate me, spank me, punish me. Now I am jaded. I still feel afraid sometimes before a scene begins, but it's usually a fear like riding a roller coaster for kicks. I will get what I need. I know I need it, so I will go through the fear and pain.

I don't think my husband has discovered yet how to seek out what he needs and go for it. I look at him as being very desirable to the general public, a very good top who's got the sternness and the toughness all worked out. He IS very dominant, in the way that a certain subset of our crowd love. But he doesn't seem to recognize this. He thinks if you are a desirable player, than people should approach you and ask you to play. A lot of women do ask him to play, but many don't want to ask. It's best, in this game, if the man asks. Byond that, if he has a number of people that he doesn't want to play with, and that's noticeable, others that he wants to play with might not approach him.

I don't want to compete with my husband in my own desire to play and be noticed. Yes, I love being noticed just as much as he does, as anyone does. But it's not a popularity contest. As much as we're doing our own thing at a party, we're still a team.

Just say "no"

I'm beginning to figure out why these parties are exhausting me and leaving me drained. It's not the physical part so much, although that's part of it, of course. I can only spank so many bad boys before my shoulders and arms start to ache.

It's the emotional drain of people always coming up to me and asking me to play. Most of them bottoms; on occasion, the timid top.

Even worse, now it's SOMEONE ELSE coming up to me and playing matchmaker, because the guy who wants to play can't get out of his wallflower mode enough to ask me himself. It's pathetic. This happened to me a few times at the SCONY party on Saturday. My husband and I paid the full, regular couples price to get in. I'm not getting paid or even getting a free pass; ie, I'm not WORKING. Yes, I'm trying to get to know people and promote my "corporal consulting" business, so SOMETIMES it pays off, but I also want to have fun. And I don't have that much fun when I'm playing with people who I wouldn't have picked to play with myself.

My goal for the next few parties, the next few visits to Paddles, is to just say "no." I'll hand out my cards and they can decide what they want to do. It's flattering, but too much already. I'm only going to play with guys I want to play with. And that usually means, at the very least, men who have enough social skills to approach a woman without using a liaison. Come on, already!

P.S. I really need to get spanked soon!!! Even better, caned.

Easy, relaxing Sunday

Up early, had a cup of tea, read a little of my book, fed cats, and then out to Barnes and Noble just before 9 a.m. -- our usual ritual.

Yesterday I did a ton of chores. Two loads laundry, shopping, changed cat's litter boxes, cleaned bathroom, swept kitchen floor. I wanted to make turkey soup from the remaining turkey in the fridge, so I chopped all the veggies I bought yesterday. Carrots, onions, celery, and escarole. I also had a dentist's appointment yesterday -- had to get a filling (ugh). And later, in the evening, we went to Manhattan for Ms. Margaret's SCONY party. I was called upon to play quite a bit, and since I'm trying to make as many connections as possible, I tried not to say no. The boys wore me out!

Today, after we got back from Barnes and Noble, I started the turkey simmering and then took a bath. The hardest part of making the soup was picking the meat off the bones. Veggies got tossed in, turkey meat got tossed back in, it simmered for another half hour or so.

P bought a hearty multi-grain bread from the supermarket bakery, which we buttered and toasted in the oven to have with the soup. Perfect meal, if I may be allowed to say. I don't cook from scratch THAT often, but it's so gratifying when the results are good.

Nesting -- is that what it's called?

Don't want to go anywhere. We are cooking a turkey for dinner, one that's been frozen since Thanksgiving -- P got it free from work but the family already had one so we just put it away till later. I had some stale bread and I tossed together a basic homemade stuffing (luckily we had some onions, and poultry seasoning in the cabinet. No celery, though. Oh well). So, that's been in there for about an hour and a half, stinking up the joint in a good way, and P's out shopping.

I've got my big warm bear slippers on and I'm going to zone out on the couch, hopefully with two kitties snuggling with me, and either read or watch junk TV.

No one can MAKE me do anything else. Tomorrow it's back to the real world, back to my exercise plan (I let myself miss a couple days while I was recovering from surgery). But today, I'm allowed to do nothing.

sick cartoons!

For no good reason except they made me laugh!
This is the work of Hugleikur Dagsson. I especially liked the one about the therapist, since my therapist was driving me so crazy. That IS probably what he was thinking!

Enjoy!

How do I feel?

Sometimes I don't know what to feel when I'm topping. When I've got a guy over my knee, and I'm scolding him, and spanking him, and he's reacting, it's just incredible. Especially when you're talking one minute to a funny, attractive, confident man and suddenly you see this shift taking place to a contrite, somewhat submissive man who's put his trust in my hands. Is it contrived? Is it ME, or the fantasy in his head being facilitated by me? Probably a little of both.

The one guy I was playing with asked for a warmup over his jeans first. I agreed, although I said he wouldn't be getting that for very long, since he needed discipline. I could see him reacting to the pain of the smacks even through the jeans. That was nice. I tugged up at the waistband to make the demin tighter over his bottom; I know that a spanking hurts a little more when you do that.

It was noisy at Paddles; the music is always thumping in the background. So I had to lean over in order to hear him. I kept up a dialogue as best I could, "reminding him" (we had just met) that he had earned this punishment. He admitted to looking between women's legs, while riding the subway, trying to catch a glimpse of panty. You know -- when you sit on the sideways seats and you're wearing a skirt, you gotta be careful to avoid the peep show. I told him I didn't appreciate his objectification of women, and spanked him some more.

When I finally stood him up, unbuttoned his jeans, and pulled them down, he murmered that it was embarrassing. I looked at him and said sternly, "You SHOULD be embarrassed!" Then I yanked him back down across my knee and started spanking him harder. I pushed the embarrassment idea a little further, saying, "You know, EVERYONE can see you. Everyone knows how disgusting your behavior was, and now they're watching you get spanked." There WERE a few people watching. I liked that...

I pulled up his briefs into a wedgie and exposed his cheeks (they were very nice cheeks, by the way!). "Now everyone sees your bare bottom. See what happens when you are a bad boy?" (I'm rephrasing as best I can, I'm sure I said something like that).

It was just so nice, especially when I finally took the hairbrush to his bottom and got him really squirming. But yet, I don't know WHY I liked it, exactly. Am I living vicariously through my victims? Is it my need for exhibitionism? Or is it really a toppiness slowly being untapped inside me that is starting to get really turned on by this play?

I like spanking someone really hard and then being a little nurturing. I had him sit on my lap afterward, and that felt good. Yes, it helps that he was a young, confident, and intelligent. And he had a nice butt... did I say that already? Sorry.

I don't care so much about being a phony anymore. I think I've moved beyond posturing and more into real play these days. I still worry about disappointing someone, though. It hasn't happened, I don't think, except for a few who said they needed more and some whose role plays weren't working. That can be worked on.

foot fetish

This drives my husband crazy, but my black cat loves feet. Especially P's feet. Maybe they just feel really warm and remind him of his mom ... or something... but most of the time when P is sitting at his computer working or playing, BF is at his feet, nuzzling up against them or using them as a pillow.

I think it's adorable.

Naturally there's no reason for this post. I wanted an excuse to feature my cat again. I'm a crazy cat lady. Someone should be spanked for this. Okay, there was no reason for that, either, except to throw the word "spanked" into the mix. Someone needs the belt... OK, I'm stopping now.

New Year, inspiration

Last night I picked up my guitar for the first time in several months. It had been cased and pushed under the bed about a month ago as part of my ongoing efforts to reduce clutter. But I was inspired by a) it being the first of the year and b) the musicians, writers, and artists all around us earlier yesterday evening.

We were invited to a New Year's Day open house in Manhattan, hosted by my husband's aunt and uncle. This is an artistic family. The aunt writes fiction, the two female daughters, P.'s cousins, are singers, and successful ones. One sings opera and the other is more pop-focused. She's even had a song played on a popular TV show. P's uncle is a mathematician, but is writing a novel.

Beyond the relatives, the party was full of other artistic people. I barely know P's family, so I was feeling rather awkward for the first half hour we were there. After some initial introductions, I thought P and I would be spending the party talking to ourselves.

I noticed his cousins, however, introducing themselves to everyone new that arrived. They obviously did not know everyone their mother had invited, but were helping her out in welcoming people. So next time I got up to check out the food table, I took their lead and introduced myself to the person standing there. I asked how he knew the hosts, what he did for a living, etc. He was in the middle of writing a novel and had already written several plays, of which some had been performed. So we had an interesting conversation about writing.

I continued in this vein throughout the party, striking up conversations with whomever was nearby. P began to do the same and we ended up meeting some very cool people and having nice chats about art, music, and politics. Most of the crowd was liberal, so that certainly helped.

I mentioned to one man that I played guitar but hadn't played in a while. I didn't mention my ongoing feeling that I'm a fake, that I'm not a "real" musician — even though I've performed, sung and played in front of audiences a number of times. But I feel this way about my writing and art, too, so what can I say?

I said to him, "Maybe I'll take out my guitar when I get home tonight." I think once such statements leave your mouth you should follow through on them. So I did. I tuned it and then picked for about fifteen minutes before bedtime. I hadn't forgotten everything. It's a start, and feel ready to learn a new song now. I'll report on that later...

One party to go!

Happy New Year to all! I made it through New Year's Eve without overeindulging, and I managed to get a bit of exercise dealing with some of the bad boys and girls. This morning I've already done my pushups and crunches and I'll take a walk later if it's not raining. It looks bleary and gray out, but I don't think it's raining.

Today we are going to my husband's aunt's Manhattan apartment for a family New Year's Day open house. The last (I hope) occasion where I'll have to be on guard, in self-denial mode. We have this German chocolate cake in the fridge that we are bringing to the party and it's one of my favorite cakes... but we'll see.

I talked briefly about resolutions earlier, about how making them and starting right on New Year's Day seems destined for defeat. If I want to change something BIG, I try to start before New Year's Day. Maybe it's cheating -- maybe this means I'll only commit to it in the New Year IF I've already established a pattern. But probably not. In the case of dieting, it prevents you from doing one "last" big binge, and waking up disgusted the next morning, unable to eat the healthy breakfast you should be eating.

But my body is just my body. I have more important things I need to work on, such as doing what's good for me (emotionally), saying no when I should, being more positive, being more balanced, being more accepting of other people -- good AND bad. (I hereby resolve not to get pissed off at loud cell phone talkers on the bus... ha! is that going to be the first resolution out the window?). Maybe a better resolution would be -- I hereby resolve to NOT do something that would make me angry if someone else did it. Golden rule, perhaps?

Have a great 2008.