How do I feel?

Sometimes I don't know what to feel when I'm topping. When I've got a guy over my knee, and I'm scolding him, and spanking him, and he's reacting, it's just incredible. Especially when you're talking one minute to a funny, attractive, confident man and suddenly you see this shift taking place to a contrite, somewhat submissive man who's put his trust in my hands. Is it contrived? Is it ME, or the fantasy in his head being facilitated by me? Probably a little of both.

The one guy I was playing with asked for a warmup over his jeans first. I agreed, although I said he wouldn't be getting that for very long, since he needed discipline. I could see him reacting to the pain of the smacks even through the jeans. That was nice. I tugged up at the waistband to make the demin tighter over his bottom; I know that a spanking hurts a little more when you do that.

It was noisy at Paddles; the music is always thumping in the background. So I had to lean over in order to hear him. I kept up a dialogue as best I could, "reminding him" (we had just met) that he had earned this punishment. He admitted to looking between women's legs, while riding the subway, trying to catch a glimpse of panty. You know -- when you sit on the sideways seats and you're wearing a skirt, you gotta be careful to avoid the peep show. I told him I didn't appreciate his objectification of women, and spanked him some more.

When I finally stood him up, unbuttoned his jeans, and pulled them down, he murmered that it was embarrassing. I looked at him and said sternly, "You SHOULD be embarrassed!" Then I yanked him back down across my knee and started spanking him harder. I pushed the embarrassment idea a little further, saying, "You know, EVERYONE can see you. Everyone knows how disgusting your behavior was, and now they're watching you get spanked." There WERE a few people watching. I liked that...

I pulled up his briefs into a wedgie and exposed his cheeks (they were very nice cheeks, by the way!). "Now everyone sees your bare bottom. See what happens when you are a bad boy?" (I'm rephrasing as best I can, I'm sure I said something like that).

It was just so nice, especially when I finally took the hairbrush to his bottom and got him really squirming. But yet, I don't know WHY I liked it, exactly. Am I living vicariously through my victims? Is it my need for exhibitionism? Or is it really a toppiness slowly being untapped inside me that is starting to get really turned on by this play?

I like spanking someone really hard and then being a little nurturing. I had him sit on my lap afterward, and that felt good. Yes, it helps that he was a young, confident, and intelligent. And he had a nice butt... did I say that already? Sorry.

I don't care so much about being a phony anymore. I think I've moved beyond posturing and more into real play these days. I still worry about disappointing someone, though. It hasn't happened, I don't think, except for a few who said they needed more and some whose role plays weren't working. That can be worked on.