The center of things

He says he needs to be the center of the universe. He is the center of HIS universe; do I have to make him the center of mine? Do I have to work extra hard at making him feel special?

I work at my own self-improvement. Some days I do better than others. I don't often lash out in rage. But that's never been my style. I spent years pushing it down inside myself, and that's still an occasional habit. I'm not a self-mutilator, anorexic/bulemic, or drug addict, but I could easily be. I've toyed with all of these over the years. I did my time with abusing alcohol and sexual acting out, to bury my feelings, especially the feelings of self-hatred.

I can't drink anymore, and I don't sleep around anymore, but the pressure is still there sometimes to do things to please others -- so they won't leave, so they won't get mad at me, so they won't hate me. I felt hated in school. Not only shunned, but sought out and abused by some. Followed home and taunted on a daily basis. I was the fat, ugly, introverted kid. My home life wasn't much more pleasant. Lots of chaos there, physical and verbal abuse...

That is my past. It helped make me who I am today, good and bad. The bad part is I still people-please too much. The good part is I can be empathetic. I sometimes am TOO empathetic when I need to be tough, and occasionally I go too far the other way -- "Get over it, already!" -- and that's not quite right, either.

All I know is that it is not my NATURAL state of affairs to be considered sexy, to be looked at as desirable. I love it, oh, God, I love it, but I can't get used to it. It will end, it is a costume, and I have to take that costume off at the end of the day when I'm left with myself.

I mourn my innocence sometimes, when I was younger and more nervous and scared and a little guilty about asking someone to dominate me, spank me, punish me. Now I am jaded. I still feel afraid sometimes before a scene begins, but it's usually a fear like riding a roller coaster for kicks. I will get what I need. I know I need it, so I will go through the fear and pain.

I don't think my husband has discovered yet how to seek out what he needs and go for it. I look at him as being very desirable to the general public, a very good top who's got the sternness and the toughness all worked out. He IS very dominant, in the way that a certain subset of our crowd love. But he doesn't seem to recognize this. He thinks if you are a desirable player, than people should approach you and ask you to play. A lot of women do ask him to play, but many don't want to ask. It's best, in this game, if the man asks. Byond that, if he has a number of people that he doesn't want to play with, and that's noticeable, others that he wants to play with might not approach him.

I don't want to compete with my husband in my own desire to play and be noticed. Yes, I love being noticed just as much as he does, as anyone does. But it's not a popularity contest. As much as we're doing our own thing at a party, we're still a team.