It's time!!

My snacking was starting to get out of control, and my jeans are now a little tight. Yeah, it's time — I feel ready, I feel ABLE, I feel willing (finally) — to do the work needed to lose weight. I've asked P. to help, which means he has agreed to punish me for breaking the rules. I know, what a guy! Now I'm in the process of putting together the exact rules. I can't take this lightly because it has to be a regime that will work, but it also has to be one that I can live with, with goals I can accomplish.

At our company Christmas party yesterday, I did not overeat, as far as lunch goes. But when it came time for dessert I ate a small ramekin of creme brulee along with my serving of fruit. So last night, I confessed this to P. Because we had not agreed to the exact guidelines yet, he asked me if I felt I should be punished. Was it "fair" to hold me to a rule not yet in place? I thought about that, and I said, "Yes." I did not want to snack, I'd said I would avoid snacking, and giving in to the temptation of dessert was, I believe, a violation of that. I avoided the cheesecake, dessert crepes, chocolate-mousse-filled chocolate cups, and other items that were probably worse than the creme brulee, BUT I still gave in and had dessert.

So he punished me. He used the liquid cane and gave me five strokes for the one violation. The liquid cane is a good tool for this purpose because it's nasty and hard to take; but, unlike a paddle, I'm not afraid I'm getting permanent damage. Psychologically, a thick wooden paddle would be the best deterrent because that's something I really fear. Perhaps if we do go and decide on the paddle as the implement P. can agree to pace the strokes. (Of course I'm going to be so good that I won't get ANY!)

There is always the argument that, for someone who craves and gets excited by the idea of punishment (and pain), this would not be a deterrent. I don't really believe that. What happened when I did this with my former "trainer" a few years ago was that I took it as a challenge. I felt really motivated to do well, so the times when I fell short, I felt bad. My trainer's punishment, I believe, gave me CLOSURE on my infraction — rather than beating myself up and thereby setting myself up for more failure, I took my paddling and we moved on. In addition, I had set up fairly strict rules for myself and, overall, I was doing well with them. So, only earning two or three infractions in a week wasn't so bad. Ultimately, his attention became, in a bizarre way, praise for what I WAS doing well. Plus, I simply got attention, which helped my self-esteem and gave me additional motivation to keep going. I ended up losing about twenty pounds.

But, that was a few years ago and now the weight has crept back up (I hope not all the way!) So, for me, a huge pain slut, yes, this system worked. It basically only worked, however, because I was motivated to begin with.