Anger and guilt

I saw my therapist last week and it felt like an unproductive session, even though I felt fairly normal, couldn't identify any major anxieties, didn't think there was anything earthshattering that I needed to unload. When I left I was saying to myself, Am I wasting my money? Do I really need to sit here every week talking? Does she think I'm just a pathetic, self-centered whiny bitch?

As I walked down Lexington Avenue after the session, I soon realized the voice questioning my need for therapy was the same voice that frequently pops up and says, "Don't ask for help, you're on your own -- deal with it."

I didn't realize I was angry until someone pulled a maneuver on the street -- this lady just HAD to walk in front of me and cut me off -- then immediately slowed down. Once I got onto the train, I again got angry, this time at a "bully" who was blasting music on a little radio/CD player with no earphones. (I call them bullies, because I feel like they're laughing at all of us who are too nervous to actually say anything, let alone do anything, about their rudeness).

I felt powerless and angry. Yet I hate that I get angry. I felt guilty for feeling angry.

And why else do I feel guilty? Shall I count the ways? "I'm not a good enough friend," "I gossip too much," "I surf the internet too much at work," "I don't help other people enough," well, I could keep going, but you get the idea.

So all these feelings were not expressed to my therapist, and should be, except for the vicious cycle that's running through my head: "Don't make yourself too vulnerable. If you tell her how you feel, it may just be left hanging there, unrelieved." I don't know if that's true, and all of these feelings may just be part of my normal cycle, my usual down phase just before my time of the month.