Today is a new day

I have TONS of work to do when I get back to the office after three days off (five, counting the weekend, of course). I will not be thinking of food, blogging, checking email; I will be doing nothing but working and being a good girl all day long!

It is SO hard to be good, but will try to remember the consequences if I'm not.

FOOD! Arghhhhhhhhh!

I broke down. I suck. I caved to temptation, ate dessert at my brother's house yesterday AND a handful of nuts at my mom's. I was pretty good today, but did have some snacks that were set out prior to dinner.

I hate these freaking parties with all the food! I have NO PROBLEM seeing booze and watching other people drink. It's the chocolate brownies, the carrot cake, the cheese cake, the boxes of chocolate. I am so weak! I need more of a strategy beyond hiding in a closet in a bedroom upstairs.

I took long walks over the last couple of days. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I'll schedule a time on the treadmill.

Oh, yes, Paul gave me 10 with the liquid cane for breaking the diet. Five over jeans, five on the bare bottom. Yow!

Shopping and stress

I haven't written much about this on this site, but shopping, even non-Christmas-time shopping, stresses me out almost more than any other activity. It's a combination of my aversion to crowds; my annoyance of rude, selfish people; the pressures of trying to find the best bargains; and feeling down that I don't have more money. All of this is multiplied at Christmas. Yes, you can shop on line and avoid all of this (if you plan, which I seldom do). But then you always have to pay shipping costs, except at a few places like Amazon.

So, inevitably, I find myself faced with going shopping at the busiest time of the year. Macy's was open round the clock at a bunch of New York locations. Our closest Macy's in Douglaston was only open till midnight. At 10 p.m. P. and I decided to go out to pick up some things, some last minute gifts. I was exhausted and did not want to go out. My strategy is simply to talk myself into accepting as much as possible. If there is rudeness, let it go; if there are long lines, pick up a magazine; if there are bratty, demanding children running through the store, thank God you don't have your own...

Inevitably, it's better than you imagine. We found what we needed at Macy's (I did need to get something else, but that "something else" was an unknown and I was too tired to go browsing right then). There was a Modell's next door that was also open till Midnight. P.'s mom had asked for warm sweat shirt and sweatpants to wear around the house. We found them there, so it was a succesful trip. Made a brief foray through the sporting equipment, looked at an aisle-end display of ping-pong paddles. P. declared them "too flimsy" for my butt, and too loud to use in our apartment, so we moved on. Oh well.

At Macy's, as you may know, they have some partnership with Godiva chocolates so that no matter what department you're in there are chocolate bars for sale at the register. I'm a sucker for dark chocolate... and the stress of shopping made that chocolate so, so tempting. But it was late, I knew how much I would regret giving in, and I knew the momentary indulgence wouldn't be worth it.

Today we went to Barnes and Noble (we go every Sunday morning for coffee) and I finished my shopping. Thank god!

Temptations

Last two weeks at work there's been a steady stream of food gifts popping up in the office. These pics were just from ONE DAY last week. After that, a box of chocolate mints appeared. Then a huge tin holding three flavors of popcorn. Then another huge box of chocolates. And another tin of popcorn. Plus an enormous bag of mixed nuts. It seemed endless.

For whatever reason (normally I succumb to the call of the chocolate) I behaved, and so far, so good -- I'm sticking to my diet agreement. I THINK my jeans are a tiny bit looser, so I'm happy. I won't be weighing myself at least until one month is up. At that point, I'll either keep going, or make minor adjustments.

To be honest, I don't know whether I'll make it. I have this crazy idea that I CAN right now (which I hadn't had for a long time), so I have to roll with it and then try to keep rolling with it when it gets tougher down the road.

First day of winter blahhhhhh

I am being SO lazy today, although I've got a few more Christmas presents to buy, laundry to do, grocery shopping to do, etc. I'm sitting at computer looking at ... nothing. Fooling around. Working with pictures, practicing new Paint.net techniques, which is all well and good, but I need to go DO SOMETHING!

What I WANT to do is get trussed up or truss someone else up. We have the equipment, will someone bite soon? I know the Velcro doesn't look like much, but it really IS enough for holding someone during a scene. Hogtie, anyone? The leather harness, on the other hand, is VERY strong. And leaves your victim vulnerable for punishment.

The infamous Ikea dresser

We got the dresser assembled last week. Hallelujah! And P. helped. After all that time, I wasn't sure I wanted help. On Sunday afternoon I had a block of time available and I said, "I'm going into the bedroom and putting the dresser together!" He was on the computer, but said, "OK. What do I need to do to help?" I was annoyed that he hadn't volunteered earlier to help. It was sitting on our bedroom floor for ages. But, two things -- 1), I should have ASKED for help, and 2) I COULD have done it myself, but didn't. So I was annoyed and was bitchy about him jumping in just because I'd finally decided to get it done, but I was feeling so overwhelmed with all the parts that I was glad afterwall that he'd jumped in.

I eventually apologized for my bitchiness. And when we were done he made me kneel on the floor and lean over the edge of the bed. Then he gave me a good hairbrushing for my rudeness. (I love when he takes charge like that -- and it HURT!).

By the way, I spoke with a male friend at one of my meetings and he identified completely with P. He said men don't like to do anything and rarely will volunteer. I said, "So why did my husband offer to help me when I was heading to the bedroom?" My friend says, "Because if he hadn't, he would have felt guilty!" Oh -- is that true?

tacky stuff

Tacky NY Post headline of the week, after Ike Turner's passing on Dec. 12: Ike "Beats" Tina to Death. All I can say is "Wow. Tacky on SO many levels."
http://www.nypost.com/seven/12132007/news/nationalnews/ike_beats_tina_to_death_79527.htm

Stupidest interview question of the week (woman rescued after being pushed onto Subway tracks):
"What is that made you decide you weren't going to die at that moment?" http://www.xomba.com/watch_woman_interviewed_rescued_from_subway_tracks

It's time!!

My snacking was starting to get out of control, and my jeans are now a little tight. Yeah, it's time — I feel ready, I feel ABLE, I feel willing (finally) — to do the work needed to lose weight. I've asked P. to help, which means he has agreed to punish me for breaking the rules. I know, what a guy! Now I'm in the process of putting together the exact rules. I can't take this lightly because it has to be a regime that will work, but it also has to be one that I can live with, with goals I can accomplish.

At our company Christmas party yesterday, I did not overeat, as far as lunch goes. But when it came time for dessert I ate a small ramekin of creme brulee along with my serving of fruit. So last night, I confessed this to P. Because we had not agreed to the exact guidelines yet, he asked me if I felt I should be punished. Was it "fair" to hold me to a rule not yet in place? I thought about that, and I said, "Yes." I did not want to snack, I'd said I would avoid snacking, and giving in to the temptation of dessert was, I believe, a violation of that. I avoided the cheesecake, dessert crepes, chocolate-mousse-filled chocolate cups, and other items that were probably worse than the creme brulee, BUT I still gave in and had dessert.

So he punished me. He used the liquid cane and gave me five strokes for the one violation. The liquid cane is a good tool for this purpose because it's nasty and hard to take; but, unlike a paddle, I'm not afraid I'm getting permanent damage. Psychologically, a thick wooden paddle would be the best deterrent because that's something I really fear. Perhaps if we do go and decide on the paddle as the implement P. can agree to pace the strokes. (Of course I'm going to be so good that I won't get ANY!)

There is always the argument that, for someone who craves and gets excited by the idea of punishment (and pain), this would not be a deterrent. I don't really believe that. What happened when I did this with my former "trainer" a few years ago was that I took it as a challenge. I felt really motivated to do well, so the times when I fell short, I felt bad. My trainer's punishment, I believe, gave me CLOSURE on my infraction — rather than beating myself up and thereby setting myself up for more failure, I took my paddling and we moved on. In addition, I had set up fairly strict rules for myself and, overall, I was doing well with them. So, only earning two or three infractions in a week wasn't so bad. Ultimately, his attention became, in a bizarre way, praise for what I WAS doing well. Plus, I simply got attention, which helped my self-esteem and gave me additional motivation to keep going. I ended up losing about twenty pounds.

But, that was a few years ago and now the weight has crept back up (I hope not all the way!) So, for me, a huge pain slut, yes, this system worked. It basically only worked, however, because I was motivated to begin with.

Paperback swap mania

P. and I recently joined www.paperbackswap.com, and we're both going a little book crazy. I have to admit I like the books I've gotten so far. I wanted to get rid of books that I've already read, or seriously doubt I will read, at least any time soon. The books we don't think anyone will request, we're packing up and taking to a local used book store or just Goodwill or Salvation Army. The only drawback is you have to agree to send books to others in order to get credits to order books, so there's been a lot of trips to the post office.

The site, I guess like most such sites, tries to be a little community. People message back and forth, you can chat if you like, and members try to give each other deals on books (I just ordered a book I wanted from a lady who was offering a free, unused journal as part of the package. When I found out it was a "Precious Moments" journal I wanted to back out, but how can one do that politely? LOL).

I ordered the first eight of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. I had read at least the first two, wasn't sure about the third, so I figured I'd start over from the beginning. These are "detective" novels where the protagonist is a Jersey girl who is a bounty hunter in Trenton. Light, fun, quick reads. Gotta love it.

But right now I'm reading "Lizard," by Banana Yoshimota, a Japanese writer that I discovered last year (books are translated into English, naturally). She's incredible. Writes very sparsely yet manages to create such a unique mood, such different characters. "Lizard" (http://www.amazon.com/Lizard-Banana-Yoshimoto/dp/0671532766) is a collection of six short stories, and they read quickly, so I'll likely be finished the book by the end of the day.

One thing I am using Paperbackswap.com for is to read members' reviews of books and get recommendations on authors I haven't tried yet. Any such recommendations are always welcome.

binge cleaning

Before

After

The condition of our co-op is much, much better today. I got up and did laundry at 7, and have been working most of the day on putting stuff away or getting ready to give it away.

I also repainted the kitchen cabinets, because we agreed that the blue was not working.

Before

After

And this is a little rack I put up above the stove to hold cooking implements.

I feel much better now. I was really down and disgusted about it yesterday, and when I got up and looked at what needed to be done I was only going to sort the three bins of kitchen ware. But that didn't take that long, so I kept going.

I am exhausted, and my back hurts a little from moving bins into the bedroom. But I'm happy with my progress.

A cry for help

The homey, welcoming, down-to-earth look


The living room corner


The couch in need of new cushions
(foam waiting in bedroom)

my craft/sewing table

Three bins full of kitchen stuff to sort

Last but not least, the infamous Ikea dresser, in pieces.


Are you there, God? Please send help.

I have a dream...

Yes, I've probably lost it, posting pictures of plates on my blog, but the plates, the cabinets, the kitchen, the apartment, have been eating at me for months. "Where are we going to put everything?" That's the main question. "Can we make it look nice?" is secondary to the space issue, BUT in trying to resolve the space issue, I don't want to make things look BAD in the process.

I'm starting to conclude that we'll simply have to move a lot of items into the bedroom and work on making the living room look neater and nicer. We don't spend much time in the bedroom; we are usually in the living room either doing stuff on the computer, working on a craft, watching TV or reading.

So, as the year begins to wind down maybe that will be my before-year-end goal -- to clear out the remaining clutter from the living room corner and rearrange the furniture.

Bins currently holding kitchen items will be emptied, probably, within the next few days. Those bins will then be filled with living room junk that we can't throw out yet.

I have a dream of an apartment that looks like one you may see on TV or in a magazine. I probably won't get that apartment. But there are things I can do (and am doing) to make it nicer. P. will thank me when I start nagging him to clear off the dining room table.

Progress

This doesn't break any records, I'm sure, but I believe it does qualify as excessive packaging. This is how my new cell phone battery from Verizon Wireless arrived the other day.

These pictures are of our wedding gift plates and glasses, finally up in the cabinets where they belong, instead of in the boxes they've been in for the last 11 months. Progress. We're making progress. I really like the new plates.