Fear and loathing

I shared at my meeting yesterday my irritibility at my self, my discontent. Failure to conquer my own body, to eat what I am supposed to eat, to push myself to do what I have to do. For the last three weeks or so I've been doing 40 pushups and 100 crunches every morning. This morning I increased it to 50 pushups and 150 crunches. Yet I know it's not enough, I have to still work out and do aerobic exercise. I've GOT to hit the gym because it's getting too hot out (the gym, I'm sure, will be crowded). There is no time; the commute takes too long; I am so tired. Yes, excuses. I only want to lose 10 pounds (and what happens when I lose those 10 pounds; life will be wonderful?) -- only 10 pounds, why is that so difficult?

I also harbor constant fear about going to work. I know this is new-person insecurity. Am I doing enough? Am I "getting" what it is they are looking for? I have had no stability career-wise. My jobs in sobriety have lasted no longer than those I held while I was drinking, with the exception of one position (my last job before moving to NY) that lasted exactly three years. And I hated being there. Liked the work all right; hated feeling like an outcast, feeling that I was stuck being the office outcast no matter what I did.

Since moving to New York I've moved twice and held three jobs (plus all the temp work I did in my first eight months). In addition to the wedding planning last year, life has been quite stressful.

I like routine, I like some regularity. I love that we go to Barnes and Noble every Sunday morning. I love that we go to Starbucks and see the same people most mornings. But I'm not certain yet about my new job that it will work out. It's only been two months; hard to tell.

At my meeting I also talked about my anxiety walking through the Times Square station most mornings. How I felt invisible sometimes, that people are always seemingly cutting in front of me. A girl who spoke after me at the meeting said, "that's because you're not a New Yorker." I bristled at that statement, even though it's true I'm not a New Yorker. But I am becoming a New Yorker. I don't want to be from Jersey. I don't want to go back to that part of Jersey. I hate that b0ring life in the suburbs. But I am not a native New Yorker and never will be. Will I "become" a New Yorker after I've been here ten years? Another reason I'm irritated. Saying, "that's because you're not a New Yorker" seems to imply something to me. "That's because you don't know how to move in a crowd"? I don't agree with THAT statement. I think I move very well in a crowd. It's just that SOME crowds, with people coming at all angles, are different. And even native New Yorkers don't like being shoved and touched on the subways.

My wrists hurt from doing my fifty pushups this morning. I have to take a shower and get ready to face the day.