Walking the dogs

I saw a young man walking seven dogs at once, all sizes, in Riverside Park at lunch today, where I went to go read. The picture will not do it justice, as I could not get close enough. They came upon a woman walking one small dog. She stopped the man with a cheery, "Hel-Loooooo!" Whether she was saying this because she knew him, or because he had seven cute dogs, I don't know. The seven dogs immediately surrounded her one dog, with much gusto.

I was taking a quick break, having finished lunch at my desk and about to embark upon a serious editing job for the early afternoon. I am nervous about calling my sponsor, as she is rather unresponsive, including not answering e-mail. I don't know wht I'm supposed to be doing in this relationship. I still like her, though, and want to stick it out, at least for a while.

I am thinking about what I want to say on my other blog about the scene. I'm faced with another OTK night at the club, where I will have to confront certain people, nip things in the bud. But how? Should I be more, or less, concerned about hurting feelings? Should I be less concerned about attraction (my attraction to someone else)? With certain male subs it feels natural and appealing. Like with Todd, who responds very well to what I do, and can take a lot. But yet, to maintain that attitude is hard. (THAT would be good to write about). I am not always in that head space, and have to step into it.

Speaking of certain head spaces, where are the doms who can step in and handle me? There is an ache that I suppress sometimes. I'm tired of supplicants. I want a man who knows he is a man. (by the way, just so we are clear, my husband is one, and pretty much the only one who can give me what I need lately.) At Shadow Lane there will be others.

Hey, check out these new-fangled shopping baskets that you can PULL like a carry-on bag. Found these in the Morton Williams Supermarket on Broadway between 115th and 116th. Pretty awesome!

Folk fest

Just a few images from this weekend's Falcon Ridge Folk Fest. Men wearing skirts, "lions" and "lambs" (plushies?) parading about, dancing, lefties, food, music....

I feel so refreshed now, even though I'm still catching up on sleep, I think.

It rained a LOT. We managed to get tent set up while it was still dry; we had arrived around 7 on Friday night. I hadn't seen Richard Shindell in a few years and he was part of the Friday evening song swap along with Lucy Kaplansky, Mary Gauthier, and Marshall Crenshaw.

We ate a quick dinner of already-cooked ribs, beans, and raw veggies that I'd packed, then headed down to the festival area.

Thinking of a weather forecast that had called for 50 to 60 percent rain every day of the weekend, I stuck rain ponchos into the bag we were carrying along with our chairs. We soon needed them. It started raining just as the main act was starting, and by the second song or so it was pouring down in buckets and lightning was crashing nearby in the hills. We bravely stuck it out for a little while, then finally succumbed to human nature and hustled over to the food tent, joining hundreds who had gotten there before us seeking shelter.

It was raining so hard that they postponed the actual show; there had been attempts to block the water from pouring into the stage area but it didn't seem to be working all that well.

So we all huddled together for about 10 minutes until finally the storm subsided. Those still left made thier way back to the field, took up new positions, and the show began.

One of the things I like about Falcon Ridge is that some AA's have started a "Friends of Bill" meeting every morning of the fest in the family stage area. It's 8 a.m., very early, but things start happening after that so that's probably the only time they can do it. People bring in their own chairs, coffee and often breakfast, and there's an hour and fifteen minutes of sharing. This year I made both Saturday and Sunday's meetings.

Saturday morning was hard, because it had continued to rain throughout the night and was raining steadily in the morning, so we had to brave it in order to get out of the tent and go pee. P and I agreed that trying to cook something in the wetness would not work, so we grabbed fruit, got our stuff together and went down to get coffee and scones at one of the food stands. I left him at the food tent to relax and headed over to the meeting.

Good sharing, as well as some of the same BS you always hear, but one lady, a NY'er transplanted from Australia, spoke about giving up her perfectionism. She was speaking specifically about the contra dancing, which can be very confusing -- you mess up, and everyone else gets screwed up as a result. It's easy to feel bad in that situation. But she said no one really cared, and she was the only one it really bothered. Another guy said he just keeps smiling when he's irritated or when other people are irritated. It doesn't get worse if you do that, he said, and it quickly passes. I came out of there feeling I had gotten some real insight into my writing and creative block that I'm going through.

Will post more about the weekend in next post.

77th street subway

Cool mosaic we saw in 77th Street 6 Train station. I've been wanting to get pics of the mosaics that I've been seeing at the various subway stops all over the place. One of my things to do, maybe this summer...

We also saw this new marketing ploy by Target. Right on the platform so people can listen while they're waiting for the train! Pretty cool! My friend A. tried it out...

too much sushi

Don't have much to say. Went to Ota-Ya on 2nd Avenue by 81st with my friend A., who is going through a lot of stuff lately. We needed to have girly time. Excellent sushi, I had the chirashi, plus an appetizer, and I am really stuffed.

Work week ended all right. Was surprised my mother didn't call all panicked after hearing about the steam pipe explosion near Grand Central. Usually anytime something happens in NYC she calls to make sure I'm okay. Maybe she's getting used to me living here now. But it really didn't affect me at all since the R train from Queens goes across on 57th.

There's something about being tied down over things that makes a girl's heart go all pitter-patter.

A good ca*ing never hurt, either. I use the term "hurt" very loosely, of course.

p.s. I found this pic on another site. If it's copyrighted, PLEASE let me know and I'll remove it.

Underwears

We were going to a party and I was trying to decide which panties to wear. The red ones at left are sort of sexy, but they're kind of useless because they always ride up (I hate not finding this out until you get them home and it's too late). The black boy shorts are very nice, and comfortable, but also have a tendancy to ride up. I have to go with the plain cotton, slightly fuller coverage, but still sexy, red ones here.

My husband caught me taking pictures of myself in the mirror (he had been out when I started). How embarrassing. But yet I feel funny asking him to take pictures of me. Self-centered to the extreme. Oh well. It's all good.

fat lazy f***

There's not much else I can add to this. Booger Face and Fat Orange Boy at their finest.

http://wigflip.com/roflbot/

In which I face reality

OK, my arms are not THAT bad. I am fine, I am strong, I am OK.

sigh. No more negativity this week.

gratuitous cat sex!

What? Who's having sex?

Yes, there is no good reason for this pic (other than I'm a crazy cat lady who's managed to limit herself to two).

I need to go to bed, I need a spanking (i probably need the liquid cane).. , I need to find my Chapstick, which has gone missing. Hate when that happens, then all you can think about is how dry and painful your lips are. Might have to use vaseline.

Work was good. I didn't worry too much today and my boss sent a nice e-mail complimenting me on some work I'd done. This week, on Monday, I increased my morning exercises. From 40 to now 50 pushups, from 100 to 150 crunches. Today I added 50 hydrants, and since it was wednesday I did more arm work and a little more leg work. Still need to get to gym but will get there soon. Still don't see a huge change in arms (i honestly thought it would happen sooner, that I'd start to see definition sooner). But I think it's coming soon.

Meeting tonight was pretty good. I opened the step meeting at Bayside for the first time. I was only slightly nervous. New York has slightly different AA meeting traditions that S. Jersey did, and Queens is different than NY.

here comes one of the kitties, Booger Face, to sit on my lap. Must go and get to bed.

Short bus, Amazon women!

Morning bus thoughts:

So we get the SMALL BUS again this morning! FUCK! and everything was going fine until this enormous Amazon woman sat down in the middle seat. She scared me!

The Top Ten that I posted before I left for work was really, really lame, so I'll have to do it over.






Thoughts on the train ride home:

My arms are massive, my thighs are massive, I am an Amazon! Not really, not even close, but I want all my fat to go away, I want to stop eating, I want my superfluous desires to go away. My reflection in subway car window -- hideous! No, it's an illusion; no, not an illusion; but simply irrelevant.



Oh, but everyone says, you're crazy, you're beautiful, you don't need to lose weight, why, look how big so many women are...


R train to Astoria is an envelope of silence, nothing but me and Rufus Wainwright. Playing alphabet with the advertisements to pass the time, to lose my focus on self, disgusting obsessions over chin hairs and breast hairs, pubic hairs. My body is disgusting and my obsession with a perfect body is disgusting and my self-centeredness is disgusting. (blogging is narcissistic and therefore also disgusting).


Sigh. But thank God for the very thin woman who has chosen to sit next to me on the train. No more squishing, please. And yet... and yet... give me an Amazon woman to smack me down, put me in my place for saying all these nasty things. An Amazon woman, and maybe an overconfident, obnoxiously cocky man to spice it up even more...


I am making no sense today but that's OK. P. is probably very aware that I could use a good session with the HB.

Tuesday top ten 7-10-07

Ten favorite things in New York:

1. My husband (I had to put him first because he reads my blog)

2. Monster Sushi, where I met P. for the first time

3. Penguins at Central Park Zoo

4. Grand Central Station (standing on top of stairs and going back in time while I people watch)

5. Union Square Park (always full of skateboarders, people playing guitar, and protesters)

6. Empire State Building and how, when you're walking you suddenly get a glimpse of it peeking out over another building)

7. Mosaics in the subways (I'm going to post pics on blog eventually) and elsewhere, like at Grant's Tomb.

8. Belmont race track

9. Coney Island, especially the old boardwalk attractions and freak shows. Plus, original Nathan's hotdogs.

10. The attitudes.

Bitchin' about the bus

This afternoon I had to take the small QM1A home. I don't like the small bus. But I will accept it. There is hardly a chance of getting a seat to oneself on the small bus, and the seats themselves are smaller, tighter than that preferred express bus seats.

The bus is old, very bumpy, rocky. No overhead rack for bags, and not enough seats! This should be an outrage, since we pay $5 a trip for this ride. But like good New Yorkers no one complains, except, occasionally, to each other. Today the bus was also too hot. AC seemed to be struggling.

I have developed my own survival strategy, of course. On the big comfortable express bus, I sit really close to the back to reduce my chances of having to share a seat with anyone. On the smaller bus, with fewer seats, you have to have a different technique. If it's available, I like to grab the first sideways-facing seat behind the left-hand row of forward-facing seats. Now, I PREFER a forward-facing seat, but I prefer even more to ride without someone else touching me. It was in the 90s outside today; many of us were sleeveless, with sweaty, sticky skin.

That seat was available, so I sat there and I took up more than my butt's worth of the seat. Another lady got on two stops after me and sat on the same bench, but put distance between us and put her bag up next to her -- fine, as long as it wasn't touching me. The space between me and her was wide enough to fit another person. That's what the seat is made for, three people. But it is not an ideal seat, because if you're stuck there it can be tight, between two people, so it's usually not the first seat selected. In the worst case scenario, if every other seat was taken and someone had to sit there, I had left about four inches of seat to my left so I could shift over. You give the ILLUSION that there's not enough room, to further dissuade passengers from sitting there. There was also at least a foot of space between the side of my seat and the back of the other seats. Roomy. Nice.

I had good luck today, as it turned out. We pulled away from the last stop in Manhattan, 3rd Avenue and 57th Street, no one sat in that seat, and I succeeded in not having to touch anyone for the rest of the trip.

A cell phone chatterer, however, plunked herself into the seat just opposite me and continued to talk. Blah, blah, blah. It was time for my Ipod to come out. Time also to try to finish this God-awful book I am reading called "The Weight of Numbers." It's a 420-page book and I was on page 359 -- I could potentially finish it on the ride home. Would there be a point? I hoped so, but nothing so far had led me to believe there would be...

Fear and loathing

I shared at my meeting yesterday my irritibility at my self, my discontent. Failure to conquer my own body, to eat what I am supposed to eat, to push myself to do what I have to do. For the last three weeks or so I've been doing 40 pushups and 100 crunches every morning. This morning I increased it to 50 pushups and 150 crunches. Yet I know it's not enough, I have to still work out and do aerobic exercise. I've GOT to hit the gym because it's getting too hot out (the gym, I'm sure, will be crowded). There is no time; the commute takes too long; I am so tired. Yes, excuses. I only want to lose 10 pounds (and what happens when I lose those 10 pounds; life will be wonderful?) -- only 10 pounds, why is that so difficult?

I also harbor constant fear about going to work. I know this is new-person insecurity. Am I doing enough? Am I "getting" what it is they are looking for? I have had no stability career-wise. My jobs in sobriety have lasted no longer than those I held while I was drinking, with the exception of one position (my last job before moving to NY) that lasted exactly three years. And I hated being there. Liked the work all right; hated feeling like an outcast, feeling that I was stuck being the office outcast no matter what I did.

Since moving to New York I've moved twice and held three jobs (plus all the temp work I did in my first eight months). In addition to the wedding planning last year, life has been quite stressful.

I like routine, I like some regularity. I love that we go to Barnes and Noble every Sunday morning. I love that we go to Starbucks and see the same people most mornings. But I'm not certain yet about my new job that it will work out. It's only been two months; hard to tell.

At my meeting I also talked about my anxiety walking through the Times Square station most mornings. How I felt invisible sometimes, that people are always seemingly cutting in front of me. A girl who spoke after me at the meeting said, "that's because you're not a New Yorker." I bristled at that statement, even though it's true I'm not a New Yorker. But I am becoming a New Yorker. I don't want to be from Jersey. I don't want to go back to that part of Jersey. I hate that b0ring life in the suburbs. But I am not a native New Yorker and never will be. Will I "become" a New Yorker after I've been here ten years? Another reason I'm irritated. Saying, "that's because you're not a New Yorker" seems to imply something to me. "That's because you don't know how to move in a crowd"? I don't agree with THAT statement. I think I move very well in a crowd. It's just that SOME crowds, with people coming at all angles, are different. And even native New Yorkers don't like being shoved and touched on the subways.

My wrists hurt from doing my fifty pushups this morning. I have to take a shower and get ready to face the day.

feeling groovy

On the bus home today, I couldn't decide between continuing to read my book or Sudoku. Sudoku won, but after I did two puzzles I did read a little. This is one of those "here are a bunch of characters and I'm not going to tell you how they're connected yet" books. I swear I'm 3/4 of the way finished and I have no idea what the point of any of it is. P. keeps telling me I don't have to finish it, but, I've invested too much. MAYBE the payoff is coming in the next section...

So I got bored and took pictures. Can you believe this shot of the Queensboro Bridge (AKA the 59th Street Bridge) was through the moving bus window, and I took it with my cell phone? I love my little Chocolate phone. Thanks, Verizon!!

Thank God it's Friday. I'm feeling anxious at work again. My boss had me redo a section of the magazine a few times, but today it's finally done to her satisfaction. We are entering the design phase of the September issue now, and next week I'm going to have to start getting the October material together. I have to develop a schedule for when things are due; I'm not entirely clear on that yet.

I went to the supermarket at lunchtime and bought stuff for dinner, a couple of wraps and some edamame; we already had mesclun salad. But I was SUPPOSED to buy coffee because we are completely out (it was the primary reason I walked to the store at lunch), and I forgot. P. says he's going to give me the hairbrush in a little while for being forgetful, and for not taking a shopping list with me. I think he just wants an excuse to give me the hairbrush. We haven't played all week so I guess it's time!

Now get back to work

What a weird one-day holiday. I kept thinking, is this Saturday? Don't want to go back to work today, but then again, we only have two days until the weekend.

Yesterday we went to Belmont, P., me, and my ex-boyfriend J. J. has been a horse racing nut as long as I've known him. I dated him about five years ago, for about six months, and it didn't work romantically but we remained friends. P. likes hanging out with him so it's nice.

At Belmont a horse in the 5th race, P.J. Indy, came through for me. Morning odds were at 8-1 but it had risen to 23-1 by the time the race started. I put $2 win/place on him and got $60.80 back. In the sixth race, P. and J. both put money on Tenacious Star, who was 20-1. I liked Parade the Flag in that race, so went off on my own. Tenacious Star won. J. had bet $6 win/place so his return was $184, while P. got $61.40 on his $2 win/place bet.

A good day, all around. I placed a few more bets with my winnings so didn't take it all home, but still walked away with $26 in profits.

I love hanging out with J. and P. J. talks and talks, repeats himself when he makes a joke, and often gets a little crude, but we like him. He's honest and down to earth.

I had to help open up my home group meeting at 7:30, so P. and I went home and made a nice omelet, with sauteed eggplant on the side, for dinner. It started raining lightly around 5 p.m. I was glad we hadn't decided to go to the beach (it was overcast and chilly all day). At the meeting, people talked about drinking on holidays, feeling left out because they weren't invited to a barbecue today, but overall it was a light hearted meeting and everyone was laughing a lot.

The cat who would not shut up

Tuesday top ten

Ten foods I can do without:

1. cilantro (and I am not alone; check out I Hate Cilantro )

2. Necco Wafers

3. Beets (no matter how they are served -- hot, cold or in soup -- they are still disgusting)

4. Jujubes (was this "candy" created by the dental lobbyists?)

5. Lebanon bologna

6. Tapica pudding

7. Miracle Whip (What's so miraculous about it?)

8. Pig's feet

9. Fake cheese made from soybean curd (fake hotdogs and fake fish tie for second and third)

10. Vienna sausages

I had a really hard time coming up with this list. I must really like to eat.

Not so lazy sunday

First Fat Orange Boy woke us up, around 6:30. He wanted to be fed. I got up, straightened up a little in the kitchen, checked e-mails, then, around 7:15, P. got up and we gathered our courage to go do laundry. We did ALL our sheets and towels, plus two regular loads, so it ended taking one big $4 machine and one $2.50 machine, plus five dryers. Total = $11.50. It was a lot of work, so we rewarded ourselves and went to Barnes and Noble (where we usually go on Sunday mornings). Then my new friend M. and I went to see "Sicko" (Excellent movie; I may write about that tomorrow) and walked around the city for a bit afterward, getting Starbucks. Later, I came home, P. cooked dinner (steak, green beans and corn-on-the-cob; delicious) and then I went to my AA meeting, Bayside Serenity. I rewarded us afterward by stopping by Baskin Robbins for two scoops of ice cream. P. likes chocolate so I got him chocolate peanut butter; I had pralines and cream. MMM. BusterBooger Face tried to eat my ice cream. I let him lick the container afterward. I have to go to bed soon.

Booger Face and Fat Orange Boy

Not much to say, just a couple of goofy shots of the critters doing what they do best. BF being Mr. Curious, and Fat Orange Boy being Mr. Lazy.

Guilt free desserts

Sugar-free jello with fat-free whipped cream. Fixed some for P. last night, was feeling domestic and this was what happened. Doesn't take much to thrill us!