Saturday, October 6, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Dream analysis
I've always had this idea that when I dream in vivid details, my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I haven't interpreted the entire dream, except that I think the drinking part of the dream has to do with my spanking/bdsm life, and playing with others besides P.
He always says he is okay with it, but it's very hard to talk with him about it. I don't think he wants to talk about it, especially when there's another hard, dominant player, because I think he begins to feel that another alpha male is honing in on his territory. HE is the alpha male. I'm not just saying that; he is very "alpha." (In a good way -- I love that he feels possessive of me).
On the other hand, people that I like to play with can become issues. And the very reason I enjoy playing with them is the SAME reason that they become issues. Why? Because they tend to be cocky, assertive, sometimes arrogant men, who will toss me around and make me behave. They can be very obnoxious. Thank god there are only a few of them out there. D is one of them. Beyond what I've just said, we had a history where we fooled around with dating (he could never get serious) and he was my dom for a few years. Now he's a friend who only steps into the dom role when we play. I did have a lot of feelings for him at one point. I moved on, started dating again, and now I am married to P. Yes, our play can be emotional, but it remains play.
If a young, hot girl wanted to play with P. (and he's a really good player; it easily could happen), would that make me nervous? It's hard to say. I don't think so, unless I'm going through what I went through at the recent SL party, where I didn't think I was getting enough of HIM and I certainly wasn't getting enough topping from others.
I think he and I don't talk enough. I don't know exactly how comfortable he is, yet, with sharing. He SAYS he's OK, but I'm not sure, sometimes. Nothing is sexual, and it WILL be kept non-sexual. Yet, we are in sort of a swinging lifestyle, when you get down to it. It is almost more intimate than swinging, if that's possible. Well, when this is your kink...
The other part of my dream analysis is that I need to get an AA sponsor, locally, and soon.
He always says he is okay with it, but it's very hard to talk with him about it. I don't think he wants to talk about it, especially when there's another hard, dominant player, because I think he begins to feel that another alpha male is honing in on his territory. HE is the alpha male. I'm not just saying that; he is very "alpha." (In a good way -- I love that he feels possessive of me).
On the other hand, people that I like to play with can become issues. And the very reason I enjoy playing with them is the SAME reason that they become issues. Why? Because they tend to be cocky, assertive, sometimes arrogant men, who will toss me around and make me behave. They can be very obnoxious. Thank god there are only a few of them out there. D is one of them. Beyond what I've just said, we had a history where we fooled around with dating (he could never get serious) and he was my dom for a few years. Now he's a friend who only steps into the dom role when we play. I did have a lot of feelings for him at one point. I moved on, started dating again, and now I am married to P. Yes, our play can be emotional, but it remains play.
If a young, hot girl wanted to play with P. (and he's a really good player; it easily could happen), would that make me nervous? It's hard to say. I don't think so, unless I'm going through what I went through at the recent SL party, where I didn't think I was getting enough of HIM and I certainly wasn't getting enough topping from others.
I think he and I don't talk enough. I don't know exactly how comfortable he is, yet, with sharing. He SAYS he's OK, but I'm not sure, sometimes. Nothing is sexual, and it WILL be kept non-sexual. Yet, we are in sort of a swinging lifestyle, when you get down to it. It is almost more intimate than swinging, if that's possible. Well, when this is your kink...
The other part of my dream analysis is that I need to get an AA sponsor, locally, and soon.
Theraflu dreams
When I was home sick on Tuesday, I took Theraflu and then went back to bed and had a weird dream.
In the dream, I drank and got fucked up. (As many AAs know, these dreams can be scary). P. and I were at a Shadow Lane party, at some beach-side hotel. I remember details like the food we were eating that afternoon, after the night that I drank. The food was provided as part of the party, but was pretty bad -- hot dogs and such. It seemed like a Sunday, the day when everyone was going home, but there were enough people still around, hanging out, just talking.
In the hotel, I went through this door where I thought I'd seen people enter a few minutes earlier. It appeared they had gone through this tiny interior door, which opened onto old stone steps leading down. It was a tight stairway. There was a very low ceiling and you couldn't walk upright. I went down until the stairs took a turn, then I chickened out and went back up. I thought there might still be people down there, and that they might attack me. I has this feeling that there was something down there I should try to find, or was SUPPOSED to find, like a hidden treasure, but I decided to wait.
I went to try to find P. I couldn't seem to remember where our room was. I felt that he was upset with me. Maybe just because I drank, but possibly because I had done something stupid while drinking.
Meanwhile, my cats, Rocky and Buster, were roaming around. (Only, Buster in the dream was more like a large dog). Suddenly they both jumped off the second floor balcony into the ocean. I didn't know why they would do such a thing. I was scared and ran downstairs to find them.
Buster got hurt, because he didn't jump as far, or had jumped in the wrong spot. I had to look at Buster first to make sure he was all right. Lifeguards on the beach had administered first aid. He was on a stretcher -- he had hit a fence after he jumped. The fence part actually stuck into him. But they said he would be okay.
I ran to the beach, crying and trying to see where Rocky had gone. He was swimming away. I kept yelling for him. I could see an orange spot a ways out from the beach. He was too far for me to get to. I knew he wouldn't be strong enough; he shouldn't have swam that far, and he was too fat, and he wouldn't make it back. I thought maybe he was trying to get back and just went the wrong way in his panic. I thought he was going to drown.
It was misty over the ocean and hard to see. Suddenly I saw something. I finally made it out; it was a lifeguard on a surfboard paddling back toward the beach, towing Rocky. (P. thinks it's hilarious that in my dream, Rocky had to be towed like a barge.) When they finally got back to the beach, I scooped Rocky up and held him, but he still wanted to get loose and run around. I put him back into his crate. I was so happy he was rescued.
In the meantime I was trying to figure out why I couldn't remember what I did the night before. The hotel managers were lecturing me, saying I wasn't allowed to have pets roaming around, and that they'd already told me the night before. I kept wondering whether I'd had a drink, but I didn't have a hangover and I didn't remember drinking, so I wasn't sure.
One lady that I was hanging out with confirmed that she'd seen me do at least two shots. Now I had a witness that I'd drank. I was hanging out with these ladies, who seemed "rougher" than most SL people, and was wondering if I should ask the one lady if she wanted to go investigate those stairs with me, because she seemed adventurous. But I had a feeling she wouldn't believe me that there might be money hidden down there, or she might think we were trespassing and not want to risk getting caught.
P. was acting distant, like I'd done something to him while drunk, so that was awkward, too. I asked him what I'd done, and he said I was going around crying and talking a LOT. I felt really embarrassed. Then I thought, but this is not the first time I've drank. Remember that time a month or so back I had a few sips of ... (This usually happens when I have a drinking dream; I think of other times that I drank and did not admit it. When I wake up I have to remind myself that I really have NOT had a drink).
Suddenly, Rocky is running around again, and I'm like, "Shit, the box wasn't closed right!" I got someone to help me and we finally got it properly put together and him back inside. I didn't feel good at all, because everyone seemed to be looking at me funny, or coming up to me and asking if I was OK. I was eating a lot in the dream, too.
I went up to the lifeguard who had saved Rocky. I had a "Thank You" card that was supposed to be for someone else, but it seemed appropriate for this situation, and I gave it to him with some cash. But it wasn't very much cash, and he and his coworker gave each other looks like I'd done something inappropriate. I was gushing all over with gratitude, and he kept saying, "Just doing my job, ma'am." Finally, I left, because they didn't seem to want to hear about how important Rocky was to me.
P. and I were supposed to be leaving to go home, but that kept getting delayed, too. Kept forgetting one thing or another.
And I woke up wondering if I'd REALLY had a drink... either this time or the "time before" I'd remembered in the dream.
Later on, when I knew I hadn't really drank, I wondered if there was something else I was supposed to feel guilty about, and whether this dream was telling me something about issues I need to work on in my real life. And why did my cats want to jump in the ocean?
In the dream, I drank and got fucked up. (As many AAs know, these dreams can be scary). P. and I were at a Shadow Lane party, at some beach-side hotel. I remember details like the food we were eating that afternoon, after the night that I drank. The food was provided as part of the party, but was pretty bad -- hot dogs and such. It seemed like a Sunday, the day when everyone was going home, but there were enough people still around, hanging out, just talking.
In the hotel, I went through this door where I thought I'd seen people enter a few minutes earlier. It appeared they had gone through this tiny interior door, which opened onto old stone steps leading down. It was a tight stairway. There was a very low ceiling and you couldn't walk upright. I went down until the stairs took a turn, then I chickened out and went back up. I thought there might still be people down there, and that they might attack me. I has this feeling that there was something down there I should try to find, or was SUPPOSED to find, like a hidden treasure, but I decided to wait.
I went to try to find P. I couldn't seem to remember where our room was. I felt that he was upset with me. Maybe just because I drank, but possibly because I had done something stupid while drinking.
Meanwhile, my cats, Rocky and Buster, were roaming around. (Only, Buster in the dream was more like a large dog). Suddenly they both jumped off the second floor balcony into the ocean. I didn't know why they would do such a thing. I was scared and ran downstairs to find them.
Buster got hurt, because he didn't jump as far, or had jumped in the wrong spot. I had to look at Buster first to make sure he was all right. Lifeguards on the beach had administered first aid. He was on a stretcher -- he had hit a fence after he jumped. The fence part actually stuck into him. But they said he would be okay.
I ran to the beach, crying and trying to see where Rocky had gone. He was swimming away. I kept yelling for him. I could see an orange spot a ways out from the beach. He was too far for me to get to. I knew he wouldn't be strong enough; he shouldn't have swam that far, and he was too fat, and he wouldn't make it back. I thought maybe he was trying to get back and just went the wrong way in his panic. I thought he was going to drown.
It was misty over the ocean and hard to see. Suddenly I saw something. I finally made it out; it was a lifeguard on a surfboard paddling back toward the beach, towing Rocky. (P. thinks it's hilarious that in my dream, Rocky had to be towed like a barge.) When they finally got back to the beach, I scooped Rocky up and held him, but he still wanted to get loose and run around. I put him back into his crate. I was so happy he was rescued.
In the meantime I was trying to figure out why I couldn't remember what I did the night before. The hotel managers were lecturing me, saying I wasn't allowed to have pets roaming around, and that they'd already told me the night before. I kept wondering whether I'd had a drink, but I didn't have a hangover and I didn't remember drinking, so I wasn't sure.
One lady that I was hanging out with confirmed that she'd seen me do at least two shots. Now I had a witness that I'd drank. I was hanging out with these ladies, who seemed "rougher" than most SL people, and was wondering if I should ask the one lady if she wanted to go investigate those stairs with me, because she seemed adventurous. But I had a feeling she wouldn't believe me that there might be money hidden down there, or she might think we were trespassing and not want to risk getting caught.
P. was acting distant, like I'd done something to him while drunk, so that was awkward, too. I asked him what I'd done, and he said I was going around crying and talking a LOT. I felt really embarrassed. Then I thought, but this is not the first time I've drank. Remember that time a month or so back I had a few sips of ... (This usually happens when I have a drinking dream; I think of other times that I drank and did not admit it. When I wake up I have to remind myself that I really have NOT had a drink).
Suddenly, Rocky is running around again, and I'm like, "Shit, the box wasn't closed right!" I got someone to help me and we finally got it properly put together and him back inside. I didn't feel good at all, because everyone seemed to be looking at me funny, or coming up to me and asking if I was OK. I was eating a lot in the dream, too.
I went up to the lifeguard who had saved Rocky. I had a "Thank You" card that was supposed to be for someone else, but it seemed appropriate for this situation, and I gave it to him with some cash. But it wasn't very much cash, and he and his coworker gave each other looks like I'd done something inappropriate. I was gushing all over with gratitude, and he kept saying, "Just doing my job, ma'am." Finally, I left, because they didn't seem to want to hear about how important Rocky was to me.
P. and I were supposed to be leaving to go home, but that kept getting delayed, too. Kept forgetting one thing or another.
And I woke up wondering if I'd REALLY had a drink... either this time or the "time before" I'd remembered in the dream.
Later on, when I knew I hadn't really drank, I wondered if there was something else I was supposed to feel guilty about, and whether this dream was telling me something about issues I need to work on in my real life. And why did my cats want to jump in the ocean?
Monday, October 1, 2007
went home sick
I have a cold and my nose won't stop running. Waiting for the Theraflu to kick in. I left work around 2, got home around 4. Bus ride was AWFUL. Could the bus driver be any more erratic? I managed to get several "Sumdokus" done, however.
Here's an pic. I bought this by mistake at the airport in Denver (wanted a "regular" Sudoku book), but it turned out to be an interesting new challenge. You do the Sudoku part like normal, but they have internal blocks in which each number must add up to the little number on the upper left corner. This example shows "5 + 1 = 6" and "4 + 6 = 10. You go back and forth doing Sodoku and then addition and subtraction to see which numbers go where.
When I got home, I thought I would sit down and get my sewing machine working. I can't seem to figure it out, though. I managed to sew one sample piece, and then the threads didn't act "right." I've been trying to get the bobbin thread to catch onto the main thread. Instructions are brief and don't go into this type of troubleshooting. Frustrating. I know a sewing store nearby that offers lessons. I'm going to check into that.
I think the Theraflu is kicking in, finally. I'm nodding off.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Sorry
Cute ad on Craig's List, in the "free" section, tonight:
free!!!
national league east pennant for free to the phillies courtesy of the ny mets
http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/zip/435085534.html
i just got back from my bad girl's house and needed to wind down. She was very, very naughty and needed a hard spanking for erratic driving and lack of self-control. She loses her temper a bit. I'm "helping" her with that.
free!!!
national league east pennant for free to the phillies courtesy of the ny mets
http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/zip/435085534.html
i just got back from my bad girl's house and needed to wind down. She was very, very naughty and needed a hard spanking for erratic driving and lack of self-control. She loses her temper a bit. I'm "helping" her with that.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Awesome hotel
The last night of our stay in Denver M&K organized a little gathering of kinky spanky folks for a small party. This took place at an Embassy Suits hotel, which was SO nice. Look at this freakin' atrium. If you look down in the lower right corner, you can make out people lined up for made-to-order breakfasts -- yes, they not only offered free breakfasts here, but had a short-order cook preparing HOT food.
The Hampton Inns where we stayed the night before was quite nice, too, and they also had a free breakfast, but it was mostly danishes, cereals and bagels.
We were sad that we could not stay and really enjoy the two-room suite we got to stay in, with a luxurious king-sized bed, couches and cooking area in the main room. I mean, man!
Speaking of nice quarters, one other emotion I felt during this vacation, unfortunately, was a touch of envy upon seeing M&K's beautiful mountain home. They are both lawyers and seem to work very hard for whatever they make, but I was craving that SPACE! I asked P. a few weeks ago: "Will I have my own washer and dryer at some point before I turn FIFTY?"
Spoke to K. a few times about her job, which she says she really loves. She left pharmaceutical sales to go to law school and become a lawyer. That's the other thing I wonder about -- will I ever have a job that I really, really love?
It's not so much the money (I am making enough to pay my bills, and, obviously, take a trip here and there). Where I work now, I don't know. I COULD grow to love it. The subject matter of my magazine, which I won't get into right now because I don't want to out myself here, is very important to a lot of people. It does help people, I believe, so my part in that also helps. My part is very small right now, but that will change as I continue on there, I'm sure. It's a very small editorial staff, so I do get to contribute opinions and ideas on a regular basis.
I haven't really "loved" any job I've held over the years, although, back when I was a young reporter there were periods when I was really passionate about that field and I didn't want to do anything else. Problem was, I don't think I was aggressive and ballsy enough (I had my moments, though).
I still think about going back to newspapers some day. Traveling back to Casper, and seeing the paper there where I used to work, brought some of those feelings back. I was an editor there, with the freedom to write if I wanted to, and I think I did pretty well. I liked the people I worked with -- there especially were some very cool women who worked with me; we hung out together frequently -- and that part of my life there was pretty good.
It's now been about seven years since I've worked on a newspaper. When I was looking for work, I had a tryout for an editor's position at the NY Post, which would have been REALLY interesting, but I didn't get it. The weekly papers in Queens pay shit, so if I went in that direction it would have to be part-time only, and I don't think I'd even have the time with everything else in my life right now.
I am not loving writing at this point, either. I'm going to have to push that feeling down and just go back to my morning exercises. Also will try to post here more often
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