Do I have something to say?

AKA, "who needs a big-ass paddling?"

The internet seems to be sucking the life out of me. I sat staring at my computer screen for the last couple hours before dinner, doing what? -- Looking at spanking web sites, reading other people's blogs, reading gossips, answering emails -- everything but writing, which is the number one thing I SHOULD be doing. Suddenly, in my mind what I have to say has become irrelevant. "No one wants to hear it. Why bother?"

This is where my head is at. I wanted to post a real Florida Moonshine party report, but I was too exhausted the first couple days back and now everyone else has reported on it ad nauseam. Whatever I contribute now will be boring. So my comments have been reduced to, "Yeah, great party!"

I turned 45 on Thursday, with little notice on FMS, Shadow Lane, or any other site I belong to. That's just as well. I really do not want to be reminded that I am now fully, solidly, and undeniably entrenched in middle age. I am not feeling sorry for myself. My life is really, really good right now. Probably better than it's ever been. And I think I look pretty darn good for 45. I just did 50 push ups in a row a little while ago (my goal is 150 for today since I skipped two days). I'm pretty active and I don't have any major health problems.

But I do have issues, and things that I would like to overcome, and I'm not getting out of my rut and overcoming them. And I wonder if I can.

My main issue is -- when am I going to get some GUTS and start doing what I feel the urge to do? When am I going to restring my guitar, pick it up, and play it in public again? When am I going to write a song again? When am I going to stop telling myself I can't write -- and just start writing? When am I going to start creating a new mosaic? When am I going to finish decorating the apartment...

And, as far as the BDSM scene goes, when am I going to stop telling myself that subs are just a dime a dozen and to a top, I am nothing but another butt? "Yes, I can take a good spanking, but so can lots of younger women with firmer asses..."

This is one reason I got into topping. I LOVE the attention. I never got much attention when I was younger, heavier, tens times shyer, and tens times more worried about what other people would think of me. Being in the scene gives me lots of attention. And I think I'm pretty good at topping, although I do have much to learn.

I feel so much competition as a sub; I feel I am vying for the tops' attention. I don't feel that as much, as a top.

Problem is, I don't REALLY get my deep needs met as a top. I really need to submit if a scene is to be a quality scene for me. Whether that's submitting to someone's control for several hours, or simply submitting to a level of pain -- that's what I crave.

Sigh. Well, at least I've gotten some words out, which I haven't done most of the week. I may revisit this later.

And I do have something to say, I think...