moving blog

I'm moving my blog so that it's under my Ms Cassandra email. Please go to This Cat Is Crazy

Stress and celebrity sightings

I think I'm simply worn down from the last couple of months. We have a very small staff on the publication I work for, and having one editor leave two months ago (or has it been three months?) has left us working longer hours and of course, a bit stressed.

I had scheduled an appointment to give blood after work today, so I took the 1 Train south to 66th Street and walked across town. The blood donation center is on 67th Street between 1st and 2nd avenues, and I used the long walk as a kind of an unwinding of the day.

Going cross-town right there takes you through Central Park, and it's still light enough at 6 p.m. to be a safe place to walk. It was a mild afternoon and I passed one large field where tons of people were throwing Frisbees around. I have not thrown a Frisbee in years; I used to love that, and was wishing I could join them. Others were playing catch or were engaged in other sports-like activities.

In the middle of all this there was ONE man, by himself, slowly performing Thai Chi moves. He looked like he didn't notice ANYTHING around him at all. What a state of being! Could I ever achieve that? In my current state of mind, no, but one-day-at-a-time, I'll keep working on it.

My blood must be thin, or maybe I don't have a lot of cholesterol, because the bag filled up very quickly. Afterward, the blood center technician wrapped my arm in this ridiculous self-stick gauze that was white with red hearts. Really, I did NOT need to be walking the streets of New York with this on... but they left me no choice.

Last time I gave blood I had two celebrity sightings on the Upper East Side. At least I THOUGHT I saw two famous people; I passed comedian Robert Wuhl (hey, check this out: http://www.hbo.com/events/rwuhl/) on 3rd near 63rd. Just a block or two later, Paul Giamatti came jogging by. I hardly ever see celebrities and maybe my eyes were deceiving me. But according to the NY Post, celebrities can be seen in many places in NY. And they do things just like you and me!

Getting silly now. Must get some sleep. Much as I'd like to, I can't take tomorrow off. Still too much to finish.

LOL for U

There's not much else to say. Can I has a cheezie now?

Trying to take it easy

It may be weather-related, but I've had a headache all day, and I'm tired and did not feel very productive at work today. Today my new supervisor started, and I'm waiting and watching to see how THAT will work out. The boss I've occasionally bitched about is still there, but the new boss will be in between me and the higher level one. So that might be good.

On the other hand, I'll surely be called upon to help the new supervisor learn the job, because I don't trust the big boss to do this. Sadly, I was not considered qualified enough for this position (I had applied for it) but am expected to show her the ropes. Oh well.

I don't like change very much, and currently all we are going by is her resume with a work history in black and white. Time will tell how we will all get along. Will her presence be a welcome relief after two months of being short-staffed? Or will she be difficult to work for, and will my job description change?

I am hoping for the best, of course. But -- kind of like watching our government at work -- I tend to assume the worst may happen. If so, well, I'll just roll with it the best I can, take notes, and blog about it later.

Weekend was very nice. We went to a small barbecue/scene party in New Jersey and of course, Rad spanked me. I was still sore from the other night! But I also got to play Ms. Cassandra for a little while too, which was fun.

Tonight, we go to bed early and try to catch up on sleep.

I promise to be good

Well, all right. let's not get too crazy here. I got punished last night for lateness on work mornings (I'm not ALWAYS late!) and for taking a few puffs on a cigarette two weeks ago, the last time we were visiting our friends R. & r., who are smokers.

I figured if I was breathing it anyway, I could imbibe myself a bit. Yes, I hate how smoking smells, it gets on your clothes, gives you nasty breath, etc., etc. but I did it anyway out of a desire for camaraderie. Rad was really pissed. He said he was disgusted and already punished me, and then last night he let R. punish me again. (He has sworn to REALLY give it to me big time if I do it again, including a few hundred with the strap !! and making me eat soap -- ewww! I guess he really doesn't like smoking...)

R. (since they both have the same initials I'll just use upper case for the top and lower case for the bottom in this relationship) is a very tough top from what I've seen, but I'd never played with her before last night. She spanked me really hard.

First I got pissed because I felt she was punishing me for a made-up reason. She said I "took" one of her cigarettes. I had been sitting with her girlfriend, r., and ASKED if I could have one, did not know they were R.'s.

Rad was watching us play and when it started to get really painful and I protested, he told me to get back into position. I finally said, "All right. I accept the punishment for smoking" (couldn't get my head around "stealing a cigarette," since that's not really what happened).

After Rad and r. watched R. spank me for a while (yes, I know there are too many "R" names in this blog), Rad took r. into her bedroom and gave her the spanking SHE had been asking for.

r. is a REAL brat (not like me!) and ALWAYS needs spankings. I'm "just" a procrastinator who can't organize her time well. Oh, and I sometimes indulge in things that are not good for me. I figure I gave up my main addiction, so once in a while I can misbehave in other areas, right? All right, maybe not.

So, R. also paddled, caned, and finally singletailed me. It was VERY hard to take, I was yelling a LOT. Rad said he could hear me all the way from the bedroom. I let her go as long as she wanted to, though. After my week, I really needed this kind of release. I also love that I have marks, and I can still see them this morning.

The end is near

It's Friday, I worked like crazy all week and now it's nearly the weekend. I'm still stressed but in a sort of non-emotional way (lots still to do today, but I'm not as anxious about it). I have a story to write; I'm going to work on it on the bus this morning. The lead is written so hopefully the rest'll all flow like butter when I get into work later.

After work, we're planning to visit and play with friends at their home. The top in this relationship is someone I've never bottomed to before, and she wants to make up for that tonight. She is apparently a VERY hard spanker. I'm not entirely sure my head space is there for it yet, but I can usually get there quickly and, after this hectic week, it may be a good release.

She knows how to use a single tail, and I might ask her if she will use that on me since I like that type of play. I find it sort of meditative, not as frantic a feeling as a hard over-the-knee thrashing. Rad going to top her girlfriend, and says she's been bratty all week and really needs it.
Will, perhaps, report back later. Time to get this party (AKA work) started...

I'm annoyed --- what else is new?

WHY am I getting so annoyed lately? It must be the heat. It's so sticky and muggy here; my sinuses are really clogged up; I've had a headache on and off for two days.

We were in the grocery store tonight after work, and at the checkout I started to head to the end of the counter to bag the groceries (Rad was paying). Then I saw there was already a guy down there bagging. Oh, that's cool. I looked at him again and I saw he was not wearing a store uniform or name tag, however -- and then I noticed the tip cannister on the corner of the bagging area.

All right. I opened my mouth. I say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" The kid said, "Yes," but he didn't sound too certain. I said, "Oh, okay. I was just wondering why there was a tip jar there."

The kid gave the cashier a look. Rad gave me a look. I know he thinks I should just be quiet. Pick and choose your battles, he says. Yes, I know, I know. There are many, many other things to get bugged about, like the Korean ladies who come into a restaurant pushing DVDs while you're trying to eat, and the loudmouths in the Starbucks, and people who stand suspiciously too close to you on the train platform so you have to really watch your bag (to randomly name a few).

Still ... this gets to me. I just don't like the implication that I should tip in a non-tipping situation. I don't like it at Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts, or anywhere else where's there's counter service. I hate it in a restroom, where a lady hands you a paper towel you could have ripped off the roll yourself. I HAVE tipped at Starbucks on occasion to get rid of some change, but ONLY if the employee is nice to me -- otherwise forget it, and regardless of how little these employees are paid -- no one is obliged to tip. At sit-down restaurants, I'm always generous. That's where you're SUPPOSED to tip.

Rad and I had a discussion after we left the grocery store. I said I'd try harder to not open my mouth at the slightest provocation. I felt justified in expressing my views while we were still at the store. But I probably really didn't do too well with that, come to think of it. I was indirect and passive-aggressive. Not the best way to register a complaint.

Blogger's block strikes again

Just got back from a business trip over the long weekend, which was quite successful, but the work is not finished and I still have to write an article about the event. I had my laptop with me over the weekend, but the weekend was hectic and I barely had time to check emails, let alone blog. By Sunday, when I flew home, I was exhausted. I know this is not a good excuse, however, and I'll get back to blogging soon.

(Does a blog about not being able to come up with a blog topic count as a blog?)

Anyway, there were witnesses who, I hope, will report back to my boss about my brilliance over the weekend. I was very nervous about having to do some public speaking -- a brief talk in front of a large crowd; and conducting a workshop on Saturday. Both went well, I think. I was pretty well prepared for the workshop and did a decent job of leading a back and forth exchange with the audience. Not something I've ever done before, so I was happy it worked out. The weekend conference, beyond being a lot of work, was fun for me. I met a lot of interesting people.

I hate still feeling insecure at work, though. I do the best that I can and I think that I'm doing all right, but I want to be a little more confident and assertive; I'm not quite there yet. Strangely, I DO think that topping more in my scene life helps me in my work and vanilla life.

Anger and guilt

I saw my therapist last week and it felt like an unproductive session, even though I felt fairly normal, couldn't identify any major anxieties, didn't think there was anything earthshattering that I needed to unload. When I left I was saying to myself, Am I wasting my money? Do I really need to sit here every week talking? Does she think I'm just a pathetic, self-centered whiny bitch?

As I walked down Lexington Avenue after the session, I soon realized the voice questioning my need for therapy was the same voice that frequently pops up and says, "Don't ask for help, you're on your own -- deal with it."

I didn't realize I was angry until someone pulled a maneuver on the street -- this lady just HAD to walk in front of me and cut me off -- then immediately slowed down. Once I got onto the train, I again got angry, this time at a "bully" who was blasting music on a little radio/CD player with no earphones. (I call them bullies, because I feel like they're laughing at all of us who are too nervous to actually say anything, let alone do anything, about their rudeness).

I felt powerless and angry. Yet I hate that I get angry. I felt guilty for feeling angry.

And why else do I feel guilty? Shall I count the ways? "I'm not a good enough friend," "I gossip too much," "I surf the internet too much at work," "I don't help other people enough," well, I could keep going, but you get the idea.

So all these feelings were not expressed to my therapist, and should be, except for the vicious cycle that's running through my head: "Don't make yourself too vulnerable. If you tell her how you feel, it may just be left hanging there, unrelieved." I don't know if that's true, and all of these feelings may just be part of my normal cycle, my usual down phase just before my time of the month.