It's Friday, I worked like crazy all week and now it's nearly the weekend. I'm still stressed but in a sort of non-emotional way (lots still to do today, but I'm not as anxious about it). I have a story to write; I'm going to work on it on the bus this morning. The lead is written so hopefully the rest'll all flow like butter when I get into work later.
After work, we're planning to visit and play with friends at their home. The top in this relationship is someone I've never bottomed to before, and she wants to make up for that tonight. She is apparently a VERY hard spanker. I'm not entirely sure my head space is there for it yet, but I can usually get there quickly and, after this hectic week, it may be a good release.
She knows how to use a single tail, and I might ask her if she will use that on me since I like that type of play. I find it sort of meditative, not as frantic a feeling as a hard over-the-knee thrashing. Rad going to top her girlfriend, and says she's been bratty all week and really needs it.
Will, perhaps, report back later. Time to get this party (AKA work) started...
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I'm annoyed --- what else is new?
WHY am I getting so annoyed lately? It must be the heat. It's so sticky and muggy here; my sinuses are really clogged up; I've had a headache on and off for two days.
We were in the grocery store tonight after work, and at the checkout I started to head to the end of the counter to bag the groceries (Rad was paying). Then I saw there was already a guy down there bagging. Oh, that's cool. I looked at him again and I saw he was not wearing a store uniform or name tag, however -- and then I noticed the tip cannister on the corner of the bagging area.
All right. I opened my mouth. I say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" The kid said, "Yes," but he didn't sound too certain. I said, "Oh, okay. I was just wondering why there was a tip jar there."
The kid gave the cashier a look. Rad gave me a look. I know he thinks I should just be quiet. Pick and choose your battles, he says. Yes, I know, I know. There are many, many other things to get bugged about, like the Korean ladies who come into a restaurant pushing DVDs while you're trying to eat, and the loudmouths in the Starbucks, and people who stand suspiciously too close to you on the train platform so you have to really watch your bag (to randomly name a few).
Still ... this gets to me. I just don't like the implication that I should tip in a non-tipping situation. I don't like it at Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts, or anywhere else where's there's counter service. I hate it in a restroom, where a lady hands you a paper towel you could have ripped off the roll yourself. I HAVE tipped at Starbucks on occasion to get rid of some change, but ONLY if the employee is nice to me -- otherwise forget it, and regardless of how little these employees are paid -- no one is obliged to tip. At sit-down restaurants, I'm always generous. That's where you're SUPPOSED to tip.
Rad and I had a discussion after we left the grocery store. I said I'd try harder to not open my mouth at the slightest provocation. I felt justified in expressing my views while we were still at the store. But I probably really didn't do too well with that, come to think of it. I was indirect and passive-aggressive. Not the best way to register a complaint.
We were in the grocery store tonight after work, and at the checkout I started to head to the end of the counter to bag the groceries (Rad was paying). Then I saw there was already a guy down there bagging. Oh, that's cool. I looked at him again and I saw he was not wearing a store uniform or name tag, however -- and then I noticed the tip cannister on the corner of the bagging area.
All right. I opened my mouth. I say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" The kid said, "Yes," but he didn't sound too certain. I said, "Oh, okay. I was just wondering why there was a tip jar there."
The kid gave the cashier a look. Rad gave me a look. I know he thinks I should just be quiet. Pick and choose your battles, he says. Yes, I know, I know. There are many, many other things to get bugged about, like the Korean ladies who come into a restaurant pushing DVDs while you're trying to eat, and the loudmouths in the Starbucks, and people who stand suspiciously too close to you on the train platform so you have to really watch your bag (to randomly name a few).
Still ... this gets to me. I just don't like the implication that I should tip in a non-tipping situation. I don't like it at Starbucks, or Dunkin Donuts, or anywhere else where's there's counter service. I hate it in a restroom, where a lady hands you a paper towel you could have ripped off the roll yourself. I HAVE tipped at Starbucks on occasion to get rid of some change, but ONLY if the employee is nice to me -- otherwise forget it, and regardless of how little these employees are paid -- no one is obliged to tip. At sit-down restaurants, I'm always generous. That's where you're SUPPOSED to tip.
Rad and I had a discussion after we left the grocery store. I said I'd try harder to not open my mouth at the slightest provocation. I felt justified in expressing my views while we were still at the store. But I probably really didn't do too well with that, come to think of it. I was indirect and passive-aggressive. Not the best way to register a complaint.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Blogger's block strikes again
Just got back from a business trip over the long weekend, which was quite successful, but the work is not finished and I still have to write an article about the event. I had my laptop with me over the weekend, but the weekend was hectic and I barely had time to check emails, let alone blog. By Sunday, when I flew home, I was exhausted. I know this is not a good excuse, however, and I'll get back to blogging soon.
(Does a blog about not being able to come up with a blog topic count as a blog?)
Anyway, there were witnesses who, I hope, will report back to my boss about my brilliance over the weekend. I was very nervous about having to do some public speaking -- a brief talk in front of a large crowd; and conducting a workshop on Saturday. Both went well, I think. I was pretty well prepared for the workshop and did a decent job of leading a back and forth exchange with the audience. Not something I've ever done before, so I was happy it worked out. The weekend conference, beyond being a lot of work, was fun for me. I met a lot of interesting people.
I hate still feeling insecure at work, though. I do the best that I can and I think that I'm doing all right, but I want to be a little more confident and assertive; I'm not quite there yet. Strangely, I DO think that topping more in my scene life helps me in my work and vanilla life.
(Does a blog about not being able to come up with a blog topic count as a blog?)
Anyway, there were witnesses who, I hope, will report back to my boss about my brilliance over the weekend. I was very nervous about having to do some public speaking -- a brief talk in front of a large crowd; and conducting a workshop on Saturday. Both went well, I think. I was pretty well prepared for the workshop and did a decent job of leading a back and forth exchange with the audience. Not something I've ever done before, so I was happy it worked out. The weekend conference, beyond being a lot of work, was fun for me. I met a lot of interesting people.
I hate still feeling insecure at work, though. I do the best that I can and I think that I'm doing all right, but I want to be a little more confident and assertive; I'm not quite there yet. Strangely, I DO think that topping more in my scene life helps me in my work and vanilla life.
Anger and guilt
I saw my therapist last week and it felt like an unproductive session, even though I felt fairly normal, couldn't identify any major anxieties, didn't think there was anything earthshattering that I needed to unload. When I left I was saying to myself, Am I wasting my money? Do I really need to sit here every week talking? Does she think I'm just a pathetic, self-centered whiny bitch?
As I walked down Lexington Avenue after the session, I soon realized the voice questioning my need for therapy was the same voice that frequently pops up and says, "Don't ask for help, you're on your own -- deal with it."
I didn't realize I was angry until someone pulled a maneuver on the street -- this lady just HAD to walk in front of me and cut me off -- then immediately slowed down. Once I got onto the train, I again got angry, this time at a "bully" who was blasting music on a little radio/CD player with no earphones. (I call them bullies, because I feel like they're laughing at all of us who are too nervous to actually say anything, let alone do anything, about their rudeness).
I felt powerless and angry. Yet I hate that I get angry. I felt guilty for feeling angry.
And why else do I feel guilty? Shall I count the ways? "I'm not a good enough friend," "I gossip too much," "I surf the internet too much at work," "I don't help other people enough," well, I could keep going, but you get the idea.
So all these feelings were not expressed to my therapist, and should be, except for the vicious cycle that's running through my head: "Don't make yourself too vulnerable. If you tell her how you feel, it may just be left hanging there, unrelieved." I don't know if that's true, and all of these feelings may just be part of my normal cycle, my usual down phase just before my time of the month.
As I walked down Lexington Avenue after the session, I soon realized the voice questioning my need for therapy was the same voice that frequently pops up and says, "Don't ask for help, you're on your own -- deal with it."
I didn't realize I was angry until someone pulled a maneuver on the street -- this lady just HAD to walk in front of me and cut me off -- then immediately slowed down. Once I got onto the train, I again got angry, this time at a "bully" who was blasting music on a little radio/CD player with no earphones. (I call them bullies, because I feel like they're laughing at all of us who are too nervous to actually say anything, let alone do anything, about their rudeness).
I felt powerless and angry. Yet I hate that I get angry. I felt guilty for feeling angry.
And why else do I feel guilty? Shall I count the ways? "I'm not a good enough friend," "I gossip too much," "I surf the internet too much at work," "I don't help other people enough," well, I could keep going, but you get the idea.
So all these feelings were not expressed to my therapist, and should be, except for the vicious cycle that's running through my head: "Don't make yourself too vulnerable. If you tell her how you feel, it may just be left hanging there, unrelieved." I don't know if that's true, and all of these feelings may just be part of my normal cycle, my usual down phase just before my time of the month.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Public speaking, public play
Last night we headed to Paddles for the TES spanking night. TES stands for The Eulenspiegel Society (http://www.tes.org/), a NY-based BDSM society that's been around for 37 years. They host workshops, demos, and talks on various scene topics. (This coming weekend is the TES Fest in New Jersey; details: http://www.tesfest.org/. I can't attend as I'm traveling for work, but I recommend it for anyone wishing a broader picture, more knowledge about what's out there.)
TES also hosts a spanking night, with a talk or a demo, once a month at Paddles. Last night, the "theme" was a "most spankable butt" contest. Because of the downpour in the early evening, a lot of people stayed home, so when I got there, I was the only woman. Yikes. I hadn't planned on entering the contest, because ... well, you know, I didn't want to make things unfair for everyone else (ha)!
But when no other women showed up, the organizers figured they better switch gears. The contest was cancelled and they asked Rad and me to join the guest moderator, Jesse, and give a little talk about public play. They also asked me if I could spank any of the men in the audience who wanted a spanking. I said, "Sure!"
The audience was small, still mostly men (two other women had come in by then). I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth, but I got up and started talking, and then I made Rad take over for a little while, and then Jesse said a few words. Finally I asked for volunteers. The guys were only a little bit shy, several jumped right up to get spanked. It was a lot of fun. While spanking the first guy, I gave a little mini-lecture on safewords -- especially when playing with a brand new partner whose limits you don't know yet.
I always try to let Rad be my first and last top of the evening, so I asked him if he "wanted" to come up and spank me. As if. And boy, did he!
After that I "opened it up" to anyone who wanted to top OR bottom. I only got one taker from the top side, a newbie, who did just fine and gave me a moderate (AKA "good girl") spanking. Another audience member confessed he needed a school paddling in front of the "class." He even presented me with a proper wooden paddle to use. Ms. Cassandra kicked into gear, lecturing him just like a school teacher would. Then she let loose with ten very hard -- but slowly paced -- strokes with the big paddle. He reacted quite nicely and I think he was satisfied.
After that, Jesse took over again and invited a newish couple, J. and L. from Boston, to come to the front and play. They ended up being very entertaining. J., the husband, gave his wife L. FIVE HUNDRED strokes with a variety of implements for something silly she'd done. She had a real cute bottom (plus she could take a LOT) and they both had the audience laughing with their banter back and forth.
It was a fun night. When regular play started, Rad led me back to the main stage and gave me 36 with the cane. We had just gotten new canes shipped from WhypDancer (http://www.canes4pain.com/). I also got to paddle and cane H., a subbie I sometimes play with. I loved hearing the rattan whistle down and his little yelps of pain afterward. He rewarded me with a foot massage when we were done. I never turn down a foot massage, and he happened to know what he was doing -- always a plus!
Rad and I were pretty much done for the night after that, and we said our goodbyes and headed home.
TES also hosts a spanking night, with a talk or a demo, once a month at Paddles. Last night, the "theme" was a "most spankable butt" contest. Because of the downpour in the early evening, a lot of people stayed home, so when I got there, I was the only woman. Yikes. I hadn't planned on entering the contest, because ... well, you know, I didn't want to make things unfair for everyone else (ha)!
But when no other women showed up, the organizers figured they better switch gears. The contest was cancelled and they asked Rad and me to join the guest moderator, Jesse, and give a little talk about public play. They also asked me if I could spank any of the men in the audience who wanted a spanking. I said, "Sure!"
The audience was small, still mostly men (two other women had come in by then). I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth, but I got up and started talking, and then I made Rad take over for a little while, and then Jesse said a few words. Finally I asked for volunteers. The guys were only a little bit shy, several jumped right up to get spanked. It was a lot of fun. While spanking the first guy, I gave a little mini-lecture on safewords -- especially when playing with a brand new partner whose limits you don't know yet.
I always try to let Rad be my first and last top of the evening, so I asked him if he "wanted" to come up and spank me. As if. And boy, did he!
After that I "opened it up" to anyone who wanted to top OR bottom. I only got one taker from the top side, a newbie, who did just fine and gave me a moderate (AKA "good girl") spanking. Another audience member confessed he needed a school paddling in front of the "class." He even presented me with a proper wooden paddle to use. Ms. Cassandra kicked into gear, lecturing him just like a school teacher would. Then she let loose with ten very hard -- but slowly paced -- strokes with the big paddle. He reacted quite nicely and I think he was satisfied.
After that, Jesse took over again and invited a newish couple, J. and L. from Boston, to come to the front and play. They ended up being very entertaining. J., the husband, gave his wife L. FIVE HUNDRED strokes with a variety of implements for something silly she'd done. She had a real cute bottom (plus she could take a LOT) and they both had the audience laughing with their banter back and forth.
It was a fun night. When regular play started, Rad led me back to the main stage and gave me 36 with the cane. We had just gotten new canes shipped from WhypDancer (http://www.canes4pain.com/). I also got to paddle and cane H., a subbie I sometimes play with. I loved hearing the rattan whistle down and his little yelps of pain afterward. He rewarded me with a foot massage when we were done. I never turn down a foot massage, and he happened to know what he was doing -- always a plus!
Rad and I were pretty much done for the night after that, and we said our goodbyes and headed home.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Coming through the pain
I play a lot, as people who know me know. I am a slut, a greedy little SAM, who needs a lot, and who's lucky to have a husband and friends who will give it to her on a pretty regular basis. And, I've been playing since my early twenties. So I know by now that a spanking is going to hurt.
Still, I tend not to think about that. I seem to FORGET how much it hurts until it's actually happening. I'll be over Rad's knee and when he starts to spank me it seems harder than EVER. (He has a very hard hand.) Is my pain memory very short; my pleasure memory longer? (Does this have anything to do with my addictive nature, why I drank for so many years? ... )
When a spanking (belting, caning, paddling) starts to feel too hard, my body reacts. I struggle. This, to me, is the beginning. This is where my top pushes me back down, orders me to stay in position and take my punishment, or physically restrains me -- a leg locked over my legs so I can't kick, or actual ropes or duct tape or something else locking me into position. Then when the punishment continues I REALLY have no choice, and I start to panic, and my top still keeps going. And going. And only stops when HE thinks I've had enough.
I'm not a safe-word type of girl. Don't use them very often. Feel sure that all the tops I play with respect them, would stop if I used one (I HAVE, on a few occasions) and would never harm me. Hurt me -- yes. Harm, no.
And the top pushes me to the point of panic, where I think I can't take ANY more, and he MAKES me. Oh god, no... I'm completely out of control, my body is not my own, during this period. I have no choice in anything.
And when he stops, at last, after that, we're sweating and breathing hard and the struggle comes to an end, I am high as a f***ing kite.
That's a scene.
Still, I tend not to think about that. I seem to FORGET how much it hurts until it's actually happening. I'll be over Rad's knee and when he starts to spank me it seems harder than EVER. (He has a very hard hand.) Is my pain memory very short; my pleasure memory longer? (Does this have anything to do with my addictive nature, why I drank for so many years? ... )
When a spanking (belting, caning, paddling) starts to feel too hard, my body reacts. I struggle. This, to me, is the beginning. This is where my top pushes me back down, orders me to stay in position and take my punishment, or physically restrains me -- a leg locked over my legs so I can't kick, or actual ropes or duct tape or something else locking me into position. Then when the punishment continues I REALLY have no choice, and I start to panic, and my top still keeps going. And going. And only stops when HE thinks I've had enough.
I'm not a safe-word type of girl. Don't use them very often. Feel sure that all the tops I play with respect them, would stop if I used one (I HAVE, on a few occasions) and would never harm me. Hurt me -- yes. Harm, no.
And the top pushes me to the point of panic, where I think I can't take ANY more, and he MAKES me. Oh god, no... I'm completely out of control, my body is not my own, during this period. I have no choice in anything.
And when he stops, at last, after that, we're sweating and breathing hard and the struggle comes to an end, I am high as a f***ing kite.
That's a scene.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Consumed by work right now
I don't want to talk about the spankings I still need and what Rad may or may not do to me when we go to Paddles this Saturday night. I'm overwhelmed with deadlines at work. Last night I took work home and shut myself up in the bedroom with it for an hour. So I missed the Florida Moonshine regular Tuesday chat and Shadow Lane chat. I'm going to be continuing my work on the bus this morning, as I have to prepare for a 10:30 a.m. meeting.
I may have mentioned a while back that I was promoted at work. I had applied for my boss's job when she left, but the higher-ups decided to open up and fill a higher-level position. I was technically qualified for the more advanced position, but they went with someone with more managerial experience. Problem is, she won't be starting for another few weeks. I've been covering for my old supervisor for nearly two months now. (Funny, isn't it? -- we won't promote you to this job, but -- go ahead and do it until we hire someone!)
In a strange perverse way I LIKE the responsibility, and I'm getting to be more creative than I was before. I've been asked to conduct a small workshop, which is something I've never done before. Plus I'll have to speak briefly in front of maybe 1,500 to 2,000 people at a conference next weekend. I'm trying not to think about THAT too much. I'm okay with all of this, oddly confident, actually, but much planning needs to be done. I need to work out a format for my workshop, decide what I'm going to say and what my coworker, who's helping, is going to say.
But no matter what, there's a lot of extra work, and I'm working some extra hours, and I have stress.
I don't feel a good balance in my life right now. I need to connect with people, not just kinky people, but my vanilla and ex-drunk friends, too. Need to connect, yet ... feel like I'll have to FORCE myself to dial the numbers. Haven't even talked to family members in a few days.
Rad and I have kind of been hiding out together recently, it seems. Sometimes we don't talk for a while even though we're in the same room. We're each fooling around on the computer. But it's really nice to have him here, to be ABLE to talk to him when I want to, to comment on something I just read on some blog, to go over and hug him spontaneously.
Sometimes he just gets it in his head that I need a spanking, and next thing I know I'm bent over his knee and he's peeling my underwear down...
Ahem. I wasn't TALKING about spanking. How did that get in here?
I may have mentioned a while back that I was promoted at work. I had applied for my boss's job when she left, but the higher-ups decided to open up and fill a higher-level position. I was technically qualified for the more advanced position, but they went with someone with more managerial experience. Problem is, she won't be starting for another few weeks. I've been covering for my old supervisor for nearly two months now. (Funny, isn't it? -- we won't promote you to this job, but -- go ahead and do it until we hire someone!)
In a strange perverse way I LIKE the responsibility, and I'm getting to be more creative than I was before. I've been asked to conduct a small workshop, which is something I've never done before. Plus I'll have to speak briefly in front of maybe 1,500 to 2,000 people at a conference next weekend. I'm trying not to think about THAT too much. I'm okay with all of this, oddly confident, actually, but much planning needs to be done. I need to work out a format for my workshop, decide what I'm going to say and what my coworker, who's helping, is going to say.
But no matter what, there's a lot of extra work, and I'm working some extra hours, and I have stress.
I don't feel a good balance in my life right now. I need to connect with people, not just kinky people, but my vanilla and ex-drunk friends, too. Need to connect, yet ... feel like I'll have to FORCE myself to dial the numbers. Haven't even talked to family members in a few days.
Rad and I have kind of been hiding out together recently, it seems. Sometimes we don't talk for a while even though we're in the same room. We're each fooling around on the computer. But it's really nice to have him here, to be ABLE to talk to him when I want to, to comment on something I just read on some blog, to go over and hug him spontaneously.
Sometimes he just gets it in his head that I need a spanking, and next thing I know I'm bent over his knee and he's peeling my underwear down...
Ahem. I wasn't TALKING about spanking. How did that get in here?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
